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Would you still say I do?

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Catriona, Aug 6, 2016.

  1. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    My nephew has prompted this query. He says he is getting married. I must admit I thought he was already, so he is probably horsing around - but...

    I grew up in difficult family times and with peer pressure, I got married at just 22 years old.
    I was much too young in every way, but as time went on, I had few options to opt out and grow up a bit, so I stayed married.

    Would I do it if I had my time over again? Never! For one thing I think monogamy is a strange concept. Encouraged by the church and probably capitalism has a say too, in encouraging all the other trappings that go with it.

    Am I just weird? Or would you really do the same things all over again if you had the chance?
  2. SXH

    SXH Well-Known Member

    Never having found a woman daft enough to marry me, my opinion is totally theoretical, but I would guess monogamy keeps blood-lines pure(ish - we know what the upper classes get up to at house-parties), possibly stops the whole gene-pool getting muddied (especially in small populations) and also slows down the spread of certain diseases.

    Assuming that monogamy goes hand in hand with fidelity, of course. ;)
    Footloose likes this.
  3. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    First one - no way, sort of got hurried into it on embarkation leave age 20, definitely a "marry in haste, repent at leisure" although I think that would be better expressed as "regret at leisure"! Stuck it for 25 years.

    Second, - just wish we could have met sooner.
  4. Roger Hicks

    Roger Hicks Well-Known Member

    Dear Kate,

    I'd certainly marry Frances again. Then again, we're both totally in favour of marriage, which long antedates capitalism. And Christianity, for that matter: as far as I recall it derives from Roman custom in its current form. Monogamy is probably the easiest way to ensure stable, reasonably equal marriages, though it's not the only possibility: under Tibetan law, both polygamy and polyandry were perfectly legal.

    As for "too young", my parents met when my father was 15 and my mother was 14. They were married when he was 21 because his mother wouldn't consent to his being married before the then age of majority: his father, and my mother's father, were killed at sea during WW2, so they had no say. My mother died just after their silver wedding, so they'd been together over 30 years.

    Some good friends come over to France about twice a year. They met at a similar age to my parents. They're in their 60s now so they've been together 40+ years.

    Frances and I do however like the idea that one should marry one's second spouse, first: she was married to her first husband for about 5 years, and I to my first wife for 3. We've been together since 1981 and married since 1982. We had to get married, but not for the traditional reason: just that the USA and the UK have two of the most poisonous immigration regimes in the world.


    Last edited: Aug 6, 2016
  5. RobertCoombes

    RobertCoombes Well-Known Member

    Almost fifty two years and I still do. Children Grandchildren and great grandchildren. Bit of a bumpy ride with cot death, suicide and murder. They said it would not last so fingers crossed.
  6. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    Interesting to hear your views. I wonder what your partners might say? But I'll never know.

    I guess I am 1) easily bored; 2) always looking for something 'different'; and 3) always feel there is something more to life than my current status.

    So you can see why I should never have said I do! I should have ended up everyone's favourite 'mad' auntie Kate - come to think of it, like my own Gt Aunt Kate - now there was someone I should have learnt from. :)
  7. SXH

    SXH Well-Known Member

    Ah well, the difference between aunts and aunties...

    Aunts are prim, usually married, stiff, never laugh at your jokes and smell of peppermints.

    Aunties are usually single, relaxed, laugh at your jokes and then tell you an even dirtier one and smell of gin.

    Footloose, Geren and Catriona like this.
  8. Roger Hicks

    Roger Hicks Well-Known Member

    Dear Kate,

    Well, Frances agrees 100% with what I've written. Except for reminding me that her first marriage lasted 7 years, not 5. I'd forgotten because I wasn't there at the time.


    Catriona likes this.
  9. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    Of course she would! I never doubted it.
  10. Malcolm_Stewart

    Malcolm_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Open the can of worms... all of us had English parentage, with ties to Congregational, CoE and Methodist churches. No Asian influences whatsoever.

    My first marriage, on Easter Saturday 1964 (for the tax break), was most certainly arranged by both sets of parents who'd met before both of us were born. Despite our two families living 50 miles apart, girlfriends, other than the favoured one were quietly rejected by my mother - and without my realising what was going on, and so I proposed; and the snowball started rolling down the hill. Unknown to me, wife-to-be wanted "out" before the ceremony, but didn't have the guts to tell her parents (father was high in the local Freemasonry and it was his year to be "on show") so the church ceremony, reception in the Fylde's best hotel, and honeymoon went ahead, and we then attempted to continue our wedded bliss in north London. She had lost her job shortly before the previous Xmas, another reason for not telling me anything and going through with the ceremony. So after returning from honeymoon, I went back to work, and was somewhat disturbed to find wife in state of tearful despair when I returned home for the evening meal. However, no hint as to what was really wrong, and I was led to believe it was because she was depressed not having a job, despite her having a degree in Ancient Greek.

    16 months on and matters have sort of settled down a little, and a holiday visit to a Greek Island with old flat friends is suggested. Naturally two of my old male flatmates are invited so as to share our costs with petrol, driving etc. On our last night on Corfu, I discover wife and flatmate having an amorous time on the beach - the journey home was a bit tense, and once back in New Barnet, she left immediately and moved in with her lover. Fortunately there were no children, and I divorced her as soon as I could.

    And then there was wife #2, mother of my children, who after 13 years started another horror story. (Details withheld.)

    Currently, I and live-out partner have been happily together for over 30 years.
    Geren and Catriona like this.
  11. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    Well done Malcolm. I lacked the courage and external support to go off and do my own thing. Such is life.
    PS From what I remember of my mother and what I have subsequently found out, she should have gone her own way too! Sadly she died at 42. Perhaps I take after her a lot.
  12. Andrew Flannigan

    Andrew Flannigan Well-Known Member

    Marriage isn't for everyone but it works for me. If I knew then what I know now, I'd marry my wife just as fast.
    Geren and Roger Hicks like this.
  13. Terrywoodenpic

    Terrywoodenpic Well-Known Member

    My mother collected and divorced three husbands. She was a difficult woman to live with, very popular in her early life in the 20's and 30's living a very privilidged life. I was the only one in the family who could stand up to her, and out face her.
    For myself I married my late wife in 1960 and it lasted 43 years.
    It never occured to me that I might not have done the right thing.
    I just hope she was as happy as I was.
    Affairs and the like always looked far to iffy and just too much trouble for nothing.
    Roger Hicks likes this.
  14. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    We celebrate our silver wedding anniversary in a couple of months and I'd do nothing different if I had my time over again. We met when she was still at school and I had just turned 17. Our (unplanned) daughter was born when we were 18 & 19 and I was 21 when we married. My wife comes from a seriously disfunctional family, growing up with more 'uncles' in the house than was probably healthy (her brother and sister have completely different parents to each other) which has left her mother an emotional shambles. I say monogomy has a lot going for it.
    Roger Hicks likes this.
  15. mike_j

    mike_j Well-Known Member

    That's the sort of subject I'd discuss over a pint or two with a friend, but on a public forum with strangers --- no.

    I'll stay with non contentious issues like Canon v Nikon and why they are both Cr** compared with ****
    Footloose likes this.
  16. RogerMac

    RogerMac Well-Known Member

    Fifty two years on and I can not imagine life without her.
    EightBitTony and Roger Hicks like this.
  17. Roger Hicks

    Roger Hicks Well-Known Member

    Dear Roger,

    I can. But I hate what I can imagine. I would not want it to be a long life.


  18. Roger Hicks

    Roger Hicks Well-Known Member

    Dear Mike,

    Why? What do you lose? And what do you gain?

    I've lost nothing, but gained further understanding of how lucky I am; how lucky others have been; and how unlucky some are.


  19. Benchista

    Benchista Which Tyler

    [Pedant mode] I would be very surprised you had said "I do" - it's what the father of the bride says when giving the bride away. [/Pedant mode]

    I won't say married life has always been easy, but I wouldn't swap it for a minute.
  20. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    Glad to know you are all happy people!

    Nephew has explained. Children in care of grandparents and he and his wife are off for a few days on their own. It has been some time since this has happened. I wonder how long before they call the children. :)

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