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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. GeoffR

    GeoffR Well-Known Member

    Thank you Spike Milligan
     
  2. Geren

    Geren Well-Known Member

    I’ve forgotten the Roman numerals for 51, 6 & 500.
    I’m LIVID!
     
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  3. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    If you take a person out of the south and teach them to talk without an accent, do they experience withdrawl?
     
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  4. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A very hot woman went to the hair salon one day. As she was waiting for her turn she saw a really good looking man sitting quietly in the salon.

    She got up and moved over to sit down next to him and said “My your just so good looking! How about after I’m done here you and I get together and some real private fun.”

    “I’m married.” He replied.

    “That’s O.K.” she said, “Just Call her and say that you need to go visit a friend who is in the hospital.”

    “Tell her yourself, she the one doing your hair.”
     
  5. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

    “I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”

    I said “Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?”

    He said, “ damned if I know - I’ve never got this far before!”
     
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  6. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    When His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales got out of the royal limousine at Aberfliarff, a mining village in the Cwmbyyerr Valley, South Wales, the welcoming group of village worthies gaped in amazement. HRH was wearing headgear reminiscent of the racoon skin cap favoured by the late David Crocket except the dead animal perched on HRH’s head was a fox, with the mask, as the face of a fox is known to the Hunting Set, to the fore and the brush, as the tail of a fox is known to the Hunting Set, hanging half way down the back of Prince Charles.

    Morgan the Organ, Local councillor, Chairman of Aberfliarff Rugby Union Football Club, and organist of Zion Baptist Chapel, greeted the Royal Visitor. HRH had come to open the recently constructed Village Hall and Community Centre, Prince Charles being patron of The Prince’s Trust that had provided the money for the build.

    “The hall is over by there, Your Royal Buttyness,” Morgan the Organ said, pointing up a steep slope. All directions in Aberfliarff are ‘up’, the only level piece of real-estate in the village being the sacred Rugby pitch.

    It was a stifling hot day, and soon HRH was perspiring as the party toiled up the hill. Had HRH been a commoner he would have been sweating, as Morgan the Meat, local butcher and leader of Cor Meibion Aberfliarff, was quick to remark.

    “Duw! There’s sweating cobs you are, isn’t it. Shall I carry your hat, Your Royal Highbuttyness bach?”

    “That’s frightfully kind of you, Mister Morgan,” Prince Charles replied, “but I am wearing the hat by Command of Her Majesty and cannot remove it.”

    “Why’s that then, Your Royal Buttyship?” Asked Morgan the Pub, landlord of ‘The Petrified Ferret’ and organiser of Cwmbyyerr Valley Eisteddfod.

    His Royal Highness explained. “When I came down to breakfast this morning at Buck House my mother, Her Most Gracious Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second of The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, asked what I was doing today. I replied I was visiting Aberfliarff.”

    “Aberfliarff,” Her Majesty exclaimed. “Wear the Fox Hat.”
     
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  7. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner...

    So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!!
     
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  8. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Password tip for married men. For a super secure password pick a string of words and date relating to when you did something wrong. That way, even if you forget it, your wife will be able to remind you instantly. ;)
     
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  9. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    I'm birdwatching with Sinead O'connor. So far it's been 7 owls and 15 Jay's.
     
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  10. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Nothing compares to jays, lovely plumage.
     
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  11. spinno

    spinno Well-Known Member

    Cross dressing magpies
     
  12. peterba

    peterba Well-Known Member


    /Ok, I'll take the bait/
    The plumage don't enter into it.
     
  13. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    At 3 o'clock this morning my neighbours banged on the wall. Luckily I was still up having a party.

    I shouted"what do you want?". They said all they were asking for was a little respect. I shouted back that I would ask the DJ,but couldn't make any promises.
     
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  14. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    Adam & Eve; the first people to not bother reading the Apple terms & conditions.
     
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  15. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    What is the penalty for bigamy?

    Two mothers-in-law.
     
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  16. Bipolar

    Bipolar Well-Known Member

    This contractor guy dies in a tragic accident on his 40th birthday. He ascends to heaven where he’s greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band and Saint Peter.

    Saint Peter shakes the guys hand warmly, and says “Congratulations!”

    The contractor is a little confused. “Congratulations for what?” he asks.

    “Congratulations for what!?” says Saint Peter. “We’re celebrating the fact you lived to the grand old age of 160.”

    The contractor says, “But that’s not right – I only lived to be 40.”

    “That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We added up your time sheets!”
     
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  17. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    There was a young lady named Sally
    Who enjoyed the occasional dally.
    She sat on the lap
    of a well-endowed chap
    and said, "Sir, you're right up my alley!"
     
    mediaman likes this.
  18. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Me: I'm terrified of random letters

    Therapist: You are?

    Me: (Screams)

    Therapist: I see

    Me: (Scream intensifies)
     
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  19. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Failed my astronaut interview. I'll admit I'm not over the moon about it.
     
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  20. IvorETower

    IvorETower Little Buttercup

    There must be another one there about bird watching with Rachel Riley and having seen 9 (v)owls, placing you in a bit of a conundrum
     
    Zou likes this.

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