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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    Two people just knocked on my door. They asked if the little girl could read from the book extolling the virtues of brown bread. Bloody two Hovis witnesses.
     
    spinno, Geren, DaveM399 and 3 others like this.
  2. spinno

    spinno Well-Known Member

    Mrs S and I saw a politician harangue his ex wife...we were Two Goves witnesses...
    We then saw two old British saloon cars ...we were Two rovers witnesses...
     
    Catriona likes this.
  3. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Me: What's the wifi password?
    Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
    Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
    Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
    Me: Sure. How much is that?
    Barman: £3.
    Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
    Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!
     
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  4. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    Took me a few moments! Blame that on a suspect mouth abscess!
     
  5. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.
    While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
    Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
    To his shock, a genie flew out.
    "You have freed me. You may have a wish."
    Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
    "Turn all this water into Guiness."
    >There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
    "why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
    "What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.

    Pete shook his head and sighed.
    "Now we'll have to pee in the boat."
     
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  6. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A man goes to a fancy dress party, dressed only in his y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and asks "What are you supposed to be ?" the man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman.... and the man explains. "I've just come in my pants "
     
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  7. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    What's that? You ask can I describe a French person who lives on a Mediterranean Island?

    Corsican!
     
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  8. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    At the same party a man turns up wearing nothing but a condom on his face.

    "what have you come as?"

    "fu©k nose".
     
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  9. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    And another one turned up with a woman on his back.
    "What have you come as?"
    "A snail"
    "Well, who is that on your back?"
    "Oh, that's Michelle"
     
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  10. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    No beer for him then.
     
  11. Chester AP

    Chester AP Well-Known Member

    I first heard this gem in 1976, and it was probably ancient then. Only the best stuff gets recycled here...
     
  12. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Kevin took two stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow' for assessment.

    "Ooh!" the presenter said, "This is a very rare set produced by the Johns Brothers Celebrated Taxidermists.

    They operated in London at the turn of last century.

    Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

    "Sticks?" replied Kevin.
     
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  13. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    That had me laughing out loud! Cheers Mike!
     
  14. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    I was going to post a joke about sodium, but I thought na, they won't get it.
     
  15. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Cu later copper
     
  16. GeoffR

    GeoffR Well-Known Member

    Should have been about Potassium 'K
     
  17. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Er, Ar U certain?
     
  18. beatnik69

    beatnik69 Well-Known Member

    same here. Not often that happens
     
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  19. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    My wife came back with two Jewish clerics this evening. I'd asked her to bring home a couple of ribeyes for dinner.
     
  20. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I must go down to the sea again, the lonely sea and the sky.
    I left my vest and socks there, I wonder if they’re dry?
     

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