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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    I heard a rumour that Gregg's are going to trial using drones to deliver takeaways. I think it's just pie in the sky.
     
    Petrochemist, peterba, spinno and 2 others like this.
  2. Bipolar

    Bipolar Well-Known Member

    A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
    The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
    The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
    The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
    The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
     
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  3. Bipolar

    Bipolar Well-Known Member

    "Now, many many years ago
    When I was twenty three
    I was married to a widow
    Who was pretty as could be
    This widow had a grown-up daughter
    Had hair of red
    My father fell in love with her
    And soon the two were wed
    This made my dad my son-in-law
    And changed my very life
    My daughter was my mother
    'Cause she was my father's wife
    To complicate the matters
    Even though it brought me joy
    I soon became the father
    Of a bouncing baby boy
    My little baby then became
    A brother-in-law to dad
    And so became my uncle
    Though it made me very sad
    For if he was my uncle
    That also made him the brother
    Of the widow's grown-up daughter
    Who, of course, was my step-mother
    My father's wife then had a son
    That kept them on the run
    And he became my grandchild
    For he was my daughter's son
    My wife is now my mother's mother
    And it makes me blue
    Because, she is my wife
    She's my grandmother too
    Now, if my wife is my grandmother
    Then, I am her grandchild
    And every time I think of it
    It nearly drives me wild
    For now I have become
    The strangest case you ever saw
    As husband of my grandmother
    I am my own grandpa
     
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  4. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
     
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  5. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    My grandad was a famous spy in WW2.

    Probably explains why he was caught so easily.
     
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  6. peterba

    peterba Well-Known Member

    That's brilliant, @Zou. An outburst of spontaneous laughter (which is what happened when I read that), always points to a joke being bloody good, IMO. :D

    Of course, an alternative explanation might be that - on a Friday evening - having broken our own standard, self-imposed, weekday abstinence, I've wolfed down several glasses of red, so my judgment might be ever-so-slightly impaired! :D
     
  7. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    That's what I was counting on!
     
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  8. peterba

    peterba Well-Known Member

    Bloody hell - I'm THAT predictable?! :D
     
  9. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I was thinking "I'm THAT desperate" but yeah, I'll take that.
     
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  10. peterba

    peterba Well-Known Member

    A pair of sad cases, then? ;) :D
     
  11. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Not too sad, Italy are winning. :cool:
     
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  12. peterba

    peterba Well-Known Member

    I'd forgotten about the football! :eek: :D
     
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  13. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Too much wine!
     
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  14. peterba

    peterba Well-Known Member

    Not really. I find it easy to forget about football at any time! :D

    (actually, a more accurate statement might be: "I find it easy to forget at any time" :confused:)
     
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  15. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
     
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  16. gray1720

    gray1720 Well-Known Member

    I didn't realise you were from Suffolk!
     
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  17. peterba

    peterba Well-Known Member

    I wish I could say the same. For me, the word "sometimes" would be replaced with "usually". :confused:
     
  18. Petrochemist

    Petrochemist Well-Known Member

    If you insert the word useful before done then I'm sure that applies to me too - except earning a wage is kind of useful. :)
     
    peterba likes this.
  19. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    I went to the bookshop today looking for a book on turtles.

    "hardback?"

    "yes, with tiny heads".
     
    Zou likes this.
  20. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Didn't you ever learn not to judge a book by its cover?
     

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