Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.
I have a friend called Lance
I've Arthur mind to tell you to get your coat.
I'm goin a veer off this one and leave the table.
Good knight, sleep well.
My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner, so I took the battery out of the smoke detector!
The 'D' in Dunstable is actually load bearing. Don't believe me? Take it away and what have you got?
I applied for the job of Father Christmas at the local department store but didn't get it due to a lack of qualifications. Apparently I don't have enough Ho, Ho, Ho levels.
I'm putting on my coat now!
You mean you actually bothered taking it off?
it wasn't red...
Middle Aged Wife: Honey, I feel inadequate as a woman and I'd sure like to have breast enhancement surgery.
Husband: Are you crazy? Our insurance doesn't cover cosmetic surgery. Just rub some toilet tissue on your breasts and that should do the trick.
Wife: Why the heck would that enhance my breast size?
Husband: It's worked pretty good on your behind!
A young boy asks his mother "Mummy, last night I saw you bouncing up and down on Daddy's stomach. What were you doing that for?"
The mother replies, "I have to do that. It's to prevent Daddy's stomach from getting bigger, otherwise, he'll get fat."
Boy, "That's not going to work!"
Mother, "Why not?"
Boy, "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him up again."
I was Home-schooling the kids yesterday, and found it extremely stressful so,
breaking the rules, I asked my neighbour if she could they take care of them
between 4 and 10.
She agreed so I said, "Great, I'll pick them up when they're 11."
Can anyone help me? I'm being stalked on Facebook bya man called Buster. Everyday he bombards me with videos of 70s glam rock tunes. Does anyone know a way... There's got to be a way... To block Buster.
Hope that you people that were not raised on a farm can understand this one, eh?
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”
I looked at her and said, “Have you got a pen?”
She said, “I sure do.”
I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
My dental surgery is on Monday.
The Times crossword was an easy one yesterday.
How octopus might be described in the military? (4)
Made me smile.
The other clues were not quite that easy!
While reading an article yesterday about fathers and their sons,
memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out
for his first drink.
Off we went to our local pub only 100 yards from the house.
I got him a pint of Best Bitter. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a lager, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Then I thought he might like some Guiness. He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope, so I drank it.
In desperation, I had him try a gin - He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it.
At my wits end, I finally tried a nice rum, surely he'd take that. No such luck, so down the hatch with it.
By this time I realized he just didn't like to drink.
But I was so drunk I could hardly push his pram back home.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written home."
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
Separate names with a comma.