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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. GeoffR

    GeoffR Well-Known Member

    I have a friend called Lance
     
  2. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I've Arthur mind to tell you to get your coat.
     
    Geren likes this.
  3. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    I'm goin a veer off this one and leave the table.
     
    Geren and Zou like this.
  4. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Good knight, sleep well.
     
    Geren and Catriona like this.
  5. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

    'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
    ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

    We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
    'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

    'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
    'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

    I looked at her and said,
    'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

    My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
     
    dream_police likes this.
  6. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner, so I took the battery out of the smoke detector!
     
  7. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    The 'D' in Dunstable is actually load bearing. Don't believe me? Take it away and what have you got?
     
  8. DaveM399

    DaveM399 Well-Known Member

    I applied for the job of Father Christmas at the local department store but didn't get it due to a lack of qualifications. Apparently I don't have enough Ho, Ho, Ho levels.

    I'm putting on my coat now!
     
    Catriona likes this.
  9. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    You mean you actually bothered taking it off?
     
  10. spinno

    spinno Well-Known Member

    it wasn't red...
     
  11. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Middle Aged Wife: Honey, I feel inadequate as a woman and I'd sure like to have breast enhancement surgery.

    Husband: Are you crazy? Our insurance doesn't cover cosmetic surgery. Just rub some toilet tissue on your breasts and that should do the trick.

    Wife: Why the heck would that enhance my breast size?

    Husband: It's worked pretty good on your behind!
     
  12. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A young boy asks his mother "Mummy, last night I saw you bouncing up and down on Daddy's stomach. What were you doing that for?"

    The mother replies, "I have to do that. It's to prevent Daddy's stomach from getting bigger, otherwise, he'll get fat."

    Boy, "That's not going to work!"

    Mother, "Why not?"

    Boy, "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him up again."
     
  13. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I was Home-schooling the kids yesterday, and found it extremely stressful so,
    breaking the rules, I asked my neighbour if she could they take care of them
    between 4 and 10.

    She agreed so I said, "Great, I'll pick them up when they're 11."
     
    Catriona likes this.
  14. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    Can anyone help me? I'm being stalked on Facebook bya man called Buster. Everyday he bombards me with videos of 70s glam rock tunes. Does anyone know a way... There's got to be a way... To block Buster.
     
    dream_police likes this.
  15. DaveM399

    DaveM399 Well-Known Member

    How Sweet!
     
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  16. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Hope that you people that were not raised on a farm can understand this one, eh?

    I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

    She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

    I looked at her and said, “Have you got a pen?”

    She said, “I sure do.”

    I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

    My dental surgery is on Monday.
     
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  17. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    The Times crossword was an easy one yesterday.

    How octopus might be described in the military? (4)

    Made me smile.

    The other clues were not quite that easy!
     
    Geren likes this.
  18. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    While reading an article yesterday about fathers and their sons,
    memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out
    for his first drink.

    Off we went to our local pub only 100 yards from the house.

    I got him a pint of Best Bitter. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

    Then I got him a lager, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

    Then I thought he might like some Guiness. He didn't. I drank it.

    I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope, so I drank it.

    In desperation, I had him try a gin - He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it.

    At my wits end, I finally tried a nice rum, surely he'd take that. No such luck, so down the hatch with it.

    By this time I realized he just didn't like to drink.

    But I was so drunk I could hardly push his pram back home.
     
  19. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

    There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
     
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  20. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

    COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written home."

    MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

    NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

    ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

    ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something?"

    THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
     
    Catriona likes this.

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