1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Only if correctly arranged, otherwise it's misspelt.
     
    gray1720 likes this.
  2. GeoffR

    GeoffR Well-Known Member

    Have I met this young lady Miss Pelt, I am sure I wouldn’t fur get her.
     
    gray1720 likes this.
  3. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    That's no skin off my back.
     
  4. Geren

    Geren Well-Known Member

    VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! !

    Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
    Where do they go?
    Wonder no more ! ! !

    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
     
    mediaman and Catriona like this.
  5. gray1720

    gray1720 Well-Known Member

    How on earth did my joke book end up in Helensburgh?
     
    Geren and mediaman like this.
  6. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    We clearly didn't throw it far enough.
     
    gray1720, Geren and Zou like this.
  7. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
    Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.
    Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?
    The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
    "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
     
    Geren and gray1720 like this.
  8. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.
    So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.
    The social workers then are doubtful about the education that
    would be provided.
    "We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".
    There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.
    "Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.
    So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.
    "It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as they fit in the cannon".
     
  9. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    So one of my female American friends posted this question - " Do you prefer your breakfast sausage in a casing, or out? " was I wrong in replying " Is this question to do with circumcision?"
     
  10. Geren

    Geren Well-Known Member

    Feeling the need to rant.

    I experienced the WORST customer service this week in one of our local shops..
    I don't want to mention their name because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed, but basically earlier on in the week I bought something from this shop, paid cash, took it home and then discovered that it didn't work. The next day I took it back and asked if I could get a refund.
    The girl in the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt.
    I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO."
    I asked to speak to a manager as I'm really annoyed.
    I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work.
    The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement.
    Grrrrrrrrr...
    I'll tell you what...
    I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again!
     
    mediaman and MJB like this.
  11. daft_biker

    daft_biker Action Man!

    EDINBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREA LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL⚠️

    DALKEITH - you are able to fight your neighbour providing you wear a mask and social distancing rules are adhered to.

    PRESTONPANS -burgling homes in your local area is permitted providing you sanitise before and after the offence. Track and trace technology must also be used.

    NIDDRIE -you can only visit your dealer when collecting your children from school. The dealer should wear a face visor and make sure all bags are sanitised.

    GORGIE -having sex with your sister is permitted but you must be home before 10pm and use approved lubricant.

    PILTON -Vigilante groups of no more than six allowed outdoors and socially distancing between the hours of 10pm - 2am only. You must wear suitable PPE for any physical contact.

    LEITH - massage parlours are permitted to remain open, this is now classed as essential services for fear of the economic collapse of the town. Entry from the rear only

    WESTER HAILES - now declared a NO GO ZONE (in 1984), if you must travel to this area please follow all diversions, traffic cones and signals, remain in your car, do not abandon your car, masks are not required as nothing is open

    KINGDOM OF FIFE - everyone must remain at home and self isolate until manufacturers can distribute gloves with 6 fingers. Please do not go to A&E for digit removal as they are a tad busy.

    MORNINGSIDE - a local women claims she has a potion to "cure all ills". She may be home she may not? She probably has a better success rate with it than others so it's worth a shot, remember it's a "click & collect" service only.

    GILMERTON - covid in these parts does not exist, therefore you should carry on as you were, house hopping, social gatherings, drunken parties and fireworks until January are mandatory, Survival of the fittest, we're currently testing "herd immunity" in these areas.

    Stick to these guidelines and we'll get through it together.
     
    mediaman, Gezza, Zou and 3 others like this.
  12. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    Nicked & modified to my area.
     
    daft_biker likes this.
  13. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    The conductor told the drums, xylophones, cymbals, bells and gongs to play their sections twice. There will be repercussions.
     
    Zou, Geren and Catriona like this.
  14. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

    The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like ‘yes, I see,’ and ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’

    The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

    The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, “No shit, what happened next?”
     
  15. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Here lies the body of sign writer Joe
    He fell through the hole in a capital O
    It could have been worse
    It could have been better
    But he went as he came through a hole in a letter.
     
    mediaman and spinno like this.
  16. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Thank god I stay in Broomhouse.
     
  17. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I suppose someone has to...! First time I saw Broomhouse was on my first tram trip to the airport, I was a little shocked that they didn't build a more scenic route. One that, perhaps, had blocks with functioning doors rather than boarded up communal entrances. ;)

    But hey, I'm in Prestonpans so my views don't count! :D We probably nicked those doors...
     
    mediaman likes this.
  18. spinno

    spinno Well-Known Member

    Reclaimed dear boy, reclaimed;)
     
    Zou likes this.
  19. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Whilst gentrifying their neighbourhood. :D
     
    spinno likes this.
  20. Geren

    Geren Well-Known Member

    There aren't very many people called Lance these days. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.
     
    mediaman likes this.

Share This Page