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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    mediaman and gray1720 like this.
  2. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    My ex-wife phoned me saying "Your son has been arrested for starting a fire."

    "Arson", I corrected her.
     
  3. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    image8.jpeg
     
    Zou, mediaman and dream_police like this.
  4. Geren

    Geren Well-Known Member

    So! Wanting to do my bit, I volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19 here in Glasgow, and according to the medical handout, the vaccine was made by a Russian Pharmaceutical company...
    I received my first shot on Monday and wanted to let you know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.
     
  5. SXH

    SXH Well-Known Member

    That's easy for you to say! :confused:
     
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  6. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

  7. gray1720

    gray1720 Well-Known Member

    We had a takeaway from the local Gurkha Kitchen on Sunday night and I was wondering... If I want to adjust the spiciness, is that tweaking your Nepals?
     
  8. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Perhaps, but it's bound to fix your saag.
     
  9. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I've tried my hand at aviation jokes over the years but they never seem to take off.
     
    mediaman likes this.
  10. spinno

    spinno Well-Known Member

    Not a runway success then
     
    Zou likes this.
  11. DaveM399

    DaveM399 Well-Known Member

    That was plane to see.
     
    Zou likes this.
  12. GeoffR

    GeoffR Well-Known Member

    So why all the Flap?
     
    Zou likes this.
  13. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Was hearing about that one legged Chinese athlete, who won the local "hop skip and jump" event...
    his name was Wan Jem Shoo.
     
  14. Geren

    Geren Well-Known Member

    An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
    • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
    • A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
    • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
    • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
    • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
    • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
    • A question mark walks into a bar?
    • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
    • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
    • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
    • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
    • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
    • A synonym strolls into a tavern.
    • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
    • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
    • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
    • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
    • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
    • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
    • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
    • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    • A dyslexic walks into a bra.
    • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
    • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
    • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
    • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony
     
  15. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

     
  16. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

     
  17. daft_biker

    daft_biker Action Man!

    FB_IMG_1603384442865.jpg
     
  18. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    [​IMG]
    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
    Arlene: What in the hell is that?
    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
    Arlene: Where did you get it?
    Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
    announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
    'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
    The pharmacist fainted.
     
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  19. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

    Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
     
    Geren likes this.
  20. gray1720

    gray1720 Well-Known Member

    If you run out of spelt, can you substitute alphabet spaghetti?
     

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