A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning. After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him varm, dry him off he vill be fine” I said “are you a vet?” He replied “vet?.. I’m fecking soaking!”
Reminds me of a classic ad for a language school (find it on YouTube). It involves an English speaking crew sending a mayday radio message which is picked up by a Germanic sounding crew. I'll not spoil it by trying to recite it.
Trump is visited by three ghosts. Early in the night, the ghost of FDR appears. When Trump asks him how he can make America great again, FDR replies: “Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets.” Trump’s face sours, and he yells, “FAKE NEWS!” A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Trump asks, “How can I make America great again?” Washington replies, “I would suggest you never tell a lie.” This infuriates Trump. Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, Trump asks, “How can I make America great again?” Lincoln responds, “Go to the theatre.”
A man walks into a pet shop in Amsterdam and says to the owner he'd like to buy a cat. "Of course sir, we have lots of cats, what breed are you after? We have pedigree cats and mongrels". "Pedigree cats? I didn't know there were any pedigree cats in Holland" "Oh yes, we have for instance the Groningen Ginger, the Friesian Short Hair, the Delft Blue and many more. These are quite rare now though, because of cross-breeding and so on, and so pure breeds of this type are very much in demand and quite expensive". "Hmmm", said the man, "Well I can't afford a real pure breed but I am keen on maintaining our national heritage as much as I can. Tell me", gesturing back towards the door ........ "How Dutch is that moggie in the window?"
Breaking News.....Nellie the elephant has got Covid-19. When asked how she caught it, she replied Trump, Trump, Trump.
Joe passed away. His will provided £30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend Jody and said, "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but £30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was £6,500, I donated £500 to the church, the wake, food and drinks were another £500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "£22,500 for a memorial stone. My God, how big is it?!" ....... "Two and a half carats," came the reply.
The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is Fish & Chips..... And even that I take with a pinch of salt.
In actual news this week there was the DUP MP who claimed over £500 parliamentary expenses for watching 80+ porn movies on hotel pay per view. Twitter rose to the occasion hailing him the "red hand of Ulster"!
I'll just Mullet over, and rays any concerns with the Great White leader, who will nurse us along like a poor beagle
