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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    I know a woman with identical quintuplet children, but I've only seen her with one of them. She reckons if you've seen one, you've seen them all.
     
    mediaman likes this.
  2. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

    Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder. (is that so Martin?)

    I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
     
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  3. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Couldn't see that punch line coming...

    Nearly as bad as the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers. When counting down he'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
     
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  4. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    A guy is sitting at an airport terminal bar, waiting for his flight, when a beautiful woman in a uniform sits next to him. Assuming she must be air crew, he decides to try to chat her up using airline slogans.

    He starts with Delta, leaning over and saying "we love to fly and it shows." He gets a rather confused look in return so he tries Air France. "Winning hearts around the world?" Again the blank look and annoyance.

    Before he could think of a third airline slogan the woman turns to him and asks "Just what the feck do you want, dickhead?"

    "Ah!" he said... "Ryanair!"
     
    mediaman likes this.
  5. daft_biker

    daft_biker Action Man!

    It is with great sadness that I have to inform all my family and friends that in the early hours of this morning my much loved turkey passed away.
    Due to the coronavirus situation the funeral will be held at my house, on the 25 December at 2pm.
    We have a limit of 30 guests, including the turkey, at the funeral, so can you let me have numbers ASAP.
    No flowers please, but if you would like to make a contribution then things such as potatoes, carrots and pigs in blankets and drink will be gratefully recieved.
    Thank you.
     
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  6. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I'm a bit in shock at the moment as I've just discovered my girlfriend is in fact a ghost. Having said that, I did have some suspicion since the moment she walked through my door.
     
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  7. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

    Suture self.
     
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  8. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I learned two things today:

    1. Excrement is not good for your skin care regime
    2. My dermatologist has been stuck off
     
  9. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I just stepped on a Cornflake.

    I am now officially a cereal killer.
     
    mediaman likes this.
  10. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    If cleanliness is next to godliness, your dictionary is sub-standard.
     
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  11. DaveM399

    DaveM399 Well-Known Member

    If you find somebody always moaning, you can say..... "if you want sympathy, you can find it in a dictionary between shit and syphilis"
     
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  12. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment. My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards, she said, ‘Thanks’, and re-turned to the stove. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
     
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  13. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    Not really a joke, nut humour fromt eh Isle of Harris (news, on FB).
    Tongue in cheek, but with true feeling!
    This was yesterday 4/10/20


    Celebrities in the Hebrides - Top Gear Covid Spreader challenge.

    Joanna Lumley arrived in Leverburgh on the first ferry this morning, ahead of her rival, Jeremy Clarkson, who's due this afternoon. Both celebs started in the Uists (current hotbed of confirmed Corona virus cases), and will make their way north in reasonably priced cars to McNeill's bar in Stornoway. First one to get absolutely bleutered (or lose their sense of smell) is the winner.

    Here's Joanna enjoying a strong black coffee outside The Butty Bus in Leverburgh this morning and Jezza at the Dark Island hotel last night, looking for a member of staff to punch.

    [​IMG]
     
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  14. daft_biker

    daft_biker Action Man!

    At this rate on October the 31st bairns will be knocking on the doors saying track and trace.
     
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  15. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx .....

    But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
     
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  16. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I was magically granted invisibility for a day, so I made use of the opportunity to go to Paris and beat up mimes. Strangely it wasn't as satisfying as I'd imagined it would be, I felt like the onlookers were cheering for the mimes.
     
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  17. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    Doctor: We have to amputate above the knee.

    Patient: But I can’t survive if I’m just a leg.

    Well it made me smile anyway..
     
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  18. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    In a similar vein, my doctor hasn't asked me to strip to the waist since that misunderstanding.
     
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  19. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    My SIL when she was a young woman was in hospital (I think it was meningitis) and needed X rays. The doctor asked her to remove her necklace. She misheard, the doctor stopped her as she was removing her knickers!
     
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  20. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A lady was paying her first visit to an art museum. After looking closely at a number of old masters, she was taken aback by what she saw on the wall in the next gallery. She turned to an attendant standing near by and sneered, "This, I suppose is one of those hideous representations you call Modern Art ?"

    "No, madam" replied the attendant "That one's called a mirror".
     

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