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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia;

    She whispered "They're behind you!"
     
    mediaman, Zou, Geren and 1 other person like this.
  2. ascu75

    ascu75 Well-Known Member

    That Velcro stuff if you ask me it’s a complete ripoff !!! :eek:

    X Don :)
     
    mediaman likes this.
  3. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    My kid sister telling me she is packing up her summer clothes for winter storage and looking out those for winter.

    The only thing I change is the number of layers and my jacket! Ha!
     
    Geren likes this.
  4. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    [​IMG]
    You really cannot starve in the desert, because of the sand which is there.
     
    Geren likes this.
  5. ascu75

    ascu75 Well-Known Member

    Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

    [​IMG] Thought knot
     
    David Loxley and Zou like this.
  6. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    Not really a joke but made me laugh and might make you laugh too.
    I'm reading a series of books by Mark Hebden - Inspector Pel series set in France.

    One little snippet and you'll see why I'm enjoying them. They are out at a remote high site, in the snow, looking for clues.

    Chief I really should be at home, not stuck out here freezing to death!
    Why? How are you different to the rest of us?
    My wife needs me chief!
    When is the baby due?
    Three months time, chief.
    That's all right then, you should be home by then.

    Haha!
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2020
    Geren, ascu75 and GeoffR like this.
  7. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Why is prostitution illegal?

    When it comes to screwing people and taking their money the government doesn't like competition.
     
    mediaman, ascu75, Gezza and 4 others like this.
  8. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Look, I know you don't want to hear me go on and on about ursine fractals, but it bears repeating...
     
    Geren likes this.
  9. Andrew Flannigan

    Andrew Flannigan Well-Known Member

    This could become a fraction overbearing...
     
    mediaman likes this.
  10. Geren

    Geren Well-Known Member

    Watch the TED talk instead.
     
  11. Geren

    Geren Well-Known Member

    An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scotsman, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
    all walk into a bar.


    The doorman stops them and says "sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai..."
     
    mediaman, Zou, MJB and 2 others like this.
  12. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Just a thought - feet smell and noses run.
     
  13. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Some thoughts on Covid

    It’s been a great blessing to be at home with the wife these last few months. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong in the last 20 years.

    ✧ ✧ ✧

    I’m stuck between a rock and someone I would like to hit with it!!

    ✧ ✧ ✧

    So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be KILLED by sanitizer and hand soap?

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    I am done with my 90-Day Trial for 2020. How Do I Cancel My Membership???

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    Remember, Rapunzel was quarantined and met her future husband. Let’s think positive here.

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    How LONG is this social distancing thing supposed to last? My husband keeps trying to come into the house.

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    Is it too early to put up the Xmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.

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    When Does Season TWO of 2020 Start? I Do Not Like Season One!

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    When this virus thing is over with ... I still want some of you to stay away from me!

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    If these last few weeks have taught us anything—it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.

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    Just wait a second – so what you’re telling me is that my chance of surviving all this, is directly linked to the Common Sense of others?

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    People are scared of getting fined for congregating in crowds. As if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasn’t enough of a deterrent.

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    If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal once we reopen everything ... Raise Your Hand ... Now slap yourself with it.

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    Having some states lock down and some states not locked down is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

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    Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized, even the trash goes out more then me.

    ✧ ✧ ✧

    Day 27 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See, this is why I chew the furniture.”

    ✧ ✧ ✧

    Whoever decided a Liquor Store is more essential than a Hair Salon is obviously a bald-headed Alcoholic.

    ✧ ✧ ✧

    Remember when you were little, and all your underwear had the days of the week on them? Those would be helpful right now!

    ✧ ✧ ✧

    The Spread of COVID-19 is Based on Two Factors:

    1. How Dense The Population is.
    2. How Dense The Population is

    ✧ ✧ ✧

    People start coughing and worry they have coronavirus; I cough and just pray I don’t pee myself...

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    Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever. Well, Wish Granted. Happy Now?

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    It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to homeschool one.

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    Did a BIG load of pajamas so I could have enough clean work clothes for this week.

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    Anyone else getting a tan from the light in the fridge?

    ✧ ✧ ✧

    I think I’m finally being grounded for everything I didn’t get caught for when I was a teenager.
     
    Geren, mediaman and David Loxley like this.
  14. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

    My parents are the worst. :(
     
  15. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    My wife just bought a smart car. It won't let her in.
     
    dream_police likes this.
  16. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Be warned ~I've just found 27 A4 pages each with 16 of "Confucius he say ...."

    Confucius he say - learn to masturbate ...... come in handy

    ................ Man who scratches arse should not bite finger nails
     
    mediaman likes this.
  17. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    If chain still swinging, seat still warm.
     
    mediaman likes this.
  18. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Fun fact: a blue whale’s anus can stretch to approximately 3 and a half feet, making it the second largest arsehole on the planet, just behind Boris Johnson.
     
  19. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A day at the zoo

    A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

    She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

    Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

    He suggested: “Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does.” - She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

    The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

    She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

    “Now ... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said.

    This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

    The husband smiled sweetly at his wife

    as he opened the cage door and shoved her in.

    “Now Tell him you have a headache...”
     
    mediaman likes this.
  20. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
     
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