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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

  2. DaveM399

    DaveM399 Well-Known Member

    I went to B&Q to get some sandpaper. They didn't have the grades I wanted so I asked the government to intervene.
     
    mediaman and MJB like this.
  3. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    My old Granddad always used to say 'when one door closes another opens' Lovely man. Rubbish cabinet maker.
     
    DaveM399, MJB and Catriona like this.
  4. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Genie: I grant you 3 wishes.
    Me: First up a world with no lawyers.
    Genie: Granted, but you have no more wishes.
    Me: Hey, you said 3 wishes!
    Genie: Sue me.
     
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  5. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Dear Deirdre,

    I recently told a French lad that his father wasn't his real father. Was that a faux pa?
     
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  6. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
     
  7. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A father took his 8 year daughter old to work with him on a "take your kid to work day"

    As he took her round introducing her, she began crying and getting cranky; the other workers gathered round and she started sobbing, "what's the matter?" they asked. She replied still sobbing "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
     
    Geren likes this.
  8. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    origami.jpg
     
  9. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Wrong. Due to the financial impact of Covid the organisers and venue both folded.
     
    Trannifan, mediaman and Catriona like this.
  10. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Would this father be a Conservative MP by any chance ? :)
     
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  11. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A man is driving down the road one day, when out of the corner of his eye next to his moving car, he notices a chicken. Not only that, but the chicken is managing to keep up with the car.

    The man speeds up to outrun the chicken, but sure enough, a few seconds later, it's back keeping pace. The man speeds up once more, and to his amazement, the chicken accelerates past and he then notices that the chicken has three legs. The chicken suddenly turns off down a lane towards a farm and runs into a barn, so the driver decides to follow to try and find out more about the crazy three-legged chicken.

    The driver notices the farmer in a nearby field and pulls over to ask about the chicken.

    Driver: "Hey, you might not believe this, but I just saw a three-legged chicken bolt into your barn over there."

    Farmer: "Oh, yeah, that's my chicken alright! I've got a dozen of them that I bred specially!”

    Driver: "Why would you breed three-legged chickens?"

    Farmer: "Well the idea is, I like chicken legs, my wife likes chicken legs, and my son likes chicken legs and so normally someone misses out. So if I breed three-legged chickens then when we sit down for a meal, we all get a leg!"

    Driver: "Wow, that's some clever thinking. Do they taste any different?”

    Farmer: "I’ve actually got no idea! We haven't managed to catch one yet!"
     
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  12. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Q: Which song is known for inciting new-borns to altercate with with a small classical Greek string instrument vaguely similar to a small harp?


    A: "Come on baby fight my lyre".
     
    Geren likes this.
  13. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Having stolen a truckload of inflatable mattresses, the gang had to lilo for a while.
     
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  14. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Lord Nelson was 5 foot 6 inches tall. His statue atop Nelson’s Column is 17 foot 4 inches tall.

    That’s Horatio of 3:1.
     
  15. ascu75

    ascu75 Well-Known Member

    I used to be in Decisive but now I am not so sure :rolleyes:
     
  16. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    You're am bivalent aren't you?

    Currently I'm in Animate
     
  17. Chester AP

    Chester AP Well-Known Member

    I am Spartacus, but other people make the same claim so now I am Confused.
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2020
    mediaman likes this.
  18. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I'm in Cognito
     
  19. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I'm in a time warp. :confused:
     
  20. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    Been here before

    I'm in pasto
     

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