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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Many a true word, etc.
     
  2. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    I got told a joke by a funny reptile on 2 legs. He was a stand up chameleon.
     
    Zou and dream_police like this.
  3. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    My son bought a "Vote Conservative" t-shirt and an "Clap for Boris" cap. He's been verbally abused, spat at, kicked, punched, and even bitten as a result.

    I can only imagine what will happen to him when he leaves the house!
     
    Petrochemist, DaveM399, Gezza and 3 others like this.
  4. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Didn't know Boris had the clap!
     
    mediaman likes this.
  5. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I saw my doctor recently and told him every time I break wind it sounds like a motorbike. He examined me and said I have an small infection in my rectum. When I asked if I should be concerned he said "No, but abscess makes the fart go Honda"
     
    mediaman likes this.
  6. DaveM399

    DaveM399 Well-Known Member

    The other day, I tried to share a kebab with a homeless man on a park bench.

    He told me to feck off and buy my own.
     
    mediaman and Zou like this.
  7. Derek W

    Derek W Well-Known Member

    I see in the news that a woman has died from drinking 16 litres of coke

    She ate a packet of mentos and they found her head 3 miles away
     
    mediaman likes this.
  8. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Cribbed from another forum - with a few deletes

    Why did the Irish racing driver make ten pit stops during the race?
    He was asking for directions!

    What is a myth?
    A female moth!

    Q: What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
    A: An udder failure.

    Q: What fish only swims at night?
    A: A starfish!

    Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
    A: A pie-thon!

    Q: What is ‘out of bounds’?
    A: An exhausted kangaroo!

    Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
    A: Because it scares the dog!

    Q: What is gray and blue and very big?
    A: An elephant holding its breath!

    Q: What wears glass slippers and weighs over 4,000 pounds?
    A: Cinderellephant

    Q: Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
    A: On their bunnymoon!

    Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
    A: Hailing taxi cabs!

    Q: Why did the cat go to medical school?
    A: To become a first aid kit

    Q: What time does a duck wake up?
    A: At the quack of dawn!

    Q: What do you get if you cross fireworks with a duck?
    A: A firequacker!
     
    mediaman likes this.
  9. gray1720

    gray1720 Well-Known Member

    A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.
    Whilst trying to take a group photo, a giant lump of cheddar fell on him.
    Bystanders said people did try to warn him.
     
    Geren and Zou like this.
  10. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A couple of put downs:

    You do have such sexy fingers

    (simpers) Oh do I really?

    Yes, everything you touch gets f@cked
    ------------------------
    You have a really sexy voice!

    You talk like a xxxx (censored)
     
    Petrochemist likes this.
  11. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Q. What’s covered in cling film and swings through the bell tower in a cathedral?

    A. The lunch pack of Notre Dame!
     
  12. Gezza

    Gezza Well-Known Member

    What floats about in a microwave off of lands end.

    The Pyrex of Penzance
     
    gray1720, mediaman and Zou like this.
  13. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    'Where the hell did all those moths come from?' Thomas Edison 1879.
     
    DaveM399 and dream_police like this.
  14. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Hw about the incontinent midle eastern gentleman, Mustapha P
     
  15. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    .Here's eight jokes only Scots will understand...

    1. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

    "Comfy?" asks the dentist.

    "Govan," she replies.

    2. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just Juan.

    3.Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?

    He was in his cell.

    4. After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt.

    "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

    "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

    5. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?

    Coo eight.

    6. A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."

    "Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"

    The girl replies: "From the top of my head right down to my knickers".

    7. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

    Oor Wullie.

    8. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

    "No", argues the assistant, "look at that - it says Taiwan"
     
    Zou likes this.
  16. Petrochemist

    Petrochemist Well-Known Member

    As far as I've been able to trace my only Scot's relations date back from the time of Bonny Prince Charlie.
    I'm more Dutch, Belgian, German.. than Scottish yet I can still understand 6 of those without effort.
     
  17. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Some are better than others but I'm a sucker for a "good" Scots joke. :)
     
    Geren likes this.
  18. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    [​IMG]
    Be careful what you binge eat. Yesterday I ate a can of alphabet soup and today I had the largest vowel movement ever.
     
  19. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    Thanks to the exam grade fiasco it's been decided that AC/DC actually won the 1974 Eurovision song contest.
     
    beatnik69, mediaman and Zou like this.
  20. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    How do you get a farm girl to like you?



    A tractor.
     
    Zou, mediaman and gray1720 like this.

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