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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I rely on that for most of my jokes. ;)
     
    MJB and Catriona like this.
  2. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

    1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
    2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
    3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
    4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
    5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
    6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
    7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
    8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
    9 Your junior prom offered day care.
    10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
    11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
    12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
    13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
    14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
    15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
    16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
    17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
     
    DaveM399 and Petrochemist like this.
  3. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

    2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

    4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
     
    Catriona likes this.
  4. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    First grade teacher draws a peach on the blackboard and asks: What is this? Little Jhonny replies promptly: It's an arse. Teacher gets really upset while the class is laughing uncontrollably and commands Jonny out to come back with the headmaster. So they arrive shortly. As soon the headmaster sees the drawing on the blackboard he demands: Jhonny, why did you draw an arse on thblackboard?!
     
  5. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Another Freud one...

    A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
     
  6. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    sun.jpg

    Thats all we need some silly b=***r to set fire to the Sun
     
  7. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    In my 47 year career as a lumberjack I felled 83,421 trees. I know this precisely, because I kept a log.
     
    Geren likes this.
  8. spinno

    spinno Well-Known Member

    Anally retentive eh?:eek::rolleyes:
     
  9. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Why were Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 released before 1, 2, and 3?

    In charge of the schedule, Yoda was.
     
    Geren and MJB like this.
  10. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    That's a hole lotta trees...
     
    Geren and Catriona like this.
  11. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    If you can, go up to a French person today and say “La Monde”.

    It’ll mean the world to them.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2020
  12. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    FTFY!
     
    beatnik69 and Geren like this.
  13. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    The world I was talking about is gender fluid.:)
     
    Geren likes this.
  14. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Of course I get that, but the French wouldn't. That's why we brexited, to advance the cause of gender fluidity without being held back by our neighbours. Was on the side of a bus wasn't it?
     
    Geren likes this.
  15. spinno

    spinno Well-Known Member

    Is that like Jeyes fluido_O?
     
  16. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    If you boil a funny bone does it become a laughing stock.


    That's humerus.
     
  17. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

    Because it is the scenter!
     
    Catriona likes this.
  18. Bipolar

    Bipolar Well-Known Member

    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

    The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

    Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".
     
    dream_police likes this.
  19. Bipolar

    Bipolar Well-Known Member

    A few years ago, some folks from the PETA (People For Ethical Treatment of Animals) and the U.S. Forest Service were at a farm meeting presenting an alternative to West Virginia sheep producers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after several years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the animal rights folks had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the coyotes to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. All of the shepherds at the meeting thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old man in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep......they're eatin' 'em."
     
    Andrew Flannigan likes this.
  20. Bipolar

    Bipolar Well-Known Member

    John, a photographer for a newspaper, was told that a twin-engine plane would be waiting at the airport.

    Arriving at the airport he spotted a plane warming up outside the hangar.

    He jumped in and said "Let's go!"

    The pilot taxied out to the runway and took off.

    Once in the air John told the pilot: "Fly low over the valley so I can take pictures of the fire on the hill."

    "Why?" asked the pilot.

    "Because I'm the photographer for the newspaper. I need to get some close up shots." said John.

    The pilot was silent for a moment, then he stammered "So...what you're telling me is, you aren't my flying instructor?"

    Life is short. Always ask, never assume!
     
    Geren and Catriona like this.

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