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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    A few farmers in the district were delighted to be able to buy the services of a bull from a nearby Laird.

    They introduced the bull to the cows in their fields, but soon saw a big problem.
    Every time the bull approached a cow, it would go in the opposite direction. If he approached from behind, the cow moved forward. If he approached from the side, the cow quickly moved away in the opposite direction.
    In the end, one of the farmers got so angry he went back to the Laird in high dudgeon.
    He looked at the Laird and said with a sad smile, Did you get our cows originally from Wiltshire?
    The Laird was surprised.
    How did you know? he asked.
    The farmer shook his head slowly and replied... my wife comes from there...
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2020
    Geren likes this.
  2. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I forgot this was the joke thread, and assumed that your seafront home was a perfect place for storm watching, so the punchline really caught me out! :D
     
    Geren likes this.
  3. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Man walks into a Glasgow butcher shop in the middle of a freezing winter. The butcher is perched atop the big radiator behind the counter.

    The man sniffs the air and asks "is that your Ayrshire bacon?"

    ********

    A customer in a Glasgow bakery sees a baked good she doesn't recognise. She looks at it for a while before asking "is that a cake, or a meringue?"
     
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  4. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    took me a while that one. Had to use my best Scottish accent in my head.
     
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  5. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    I shudder to think what your best Pakistani accent is like then. :D
     
  6. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    Very similar except I wobble my head side to side (in that stereotypical way):)
     
    Catriona likes this.
  7. beatnik69

    beatnik69 Well-Known Member

    Would that not be your Welsh accent? :D
     
  8. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    Again, very similar. Not far off my Irish one either.
     
    beatnik69 likes this.
  9. DaveM399

    DaveM399 Well-Known Member

    My attempts at a Geordie accent come out as Welsh!
     
  10. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    So it is, to be sure, isn't it, boyo.
     
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  11. Geren

    Geren Well-Known Member

    My daughter is studying drama at school this year and is learning her lines for the play she will have to perform for her exam. Her character is a worn down not-quite-prostitute-single-mum in 70s Manchester. It turns out that Felicity could not do a Manchester accent if her life depended on it. It starts out a bit Sheffield, meanders through Brum, takes a detour around Australia and ends up right back in Glasgow. Not even the outskirts of Manchester.
     
    Catriona likes this.
  12. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    My daughter is relatively accent free. She was born in Manchester but all of her life she has lived in Cheshire, about 14 miles south of Manchester. Now she has moved to Nottingham she has developed a Mancunian accent. It mainly comes out when she is with her friends (non of who are Mancs). I hate it.
     
  13. beatnik69

    beatnik69 Well-Known Member

    Just get her to say "yeh, nice one, sound" through her nose a lot ala Kathy Burke's character, Perry. :D
     
    Geren likes this.
  14. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious bad language and was shocked. “Little Johnny, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?”

    “I got it from my dad, Miss,” replies Johnny.

    “Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that even means?”

    “Oh but I do,” says Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”
     
    Geren, Petrochemist and Catriona like this.
  15. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Where do pirates get their hooks?





    Second hand shops...
     
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  16. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    A Freud joke (in a novel I'm reading).

    After examining her husband, the doctor ushered him out and asked his wife to come into the surgery.
    The doctor told her - his condition is critical. Unless you take this advice, he will surely die.
    Each morning, wake him gently with a kiss. Be pleasant to him at all times and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his favourite meals and don't burden him with chores. Never nag or make unnecessary demands. And, most importantly, never deny him his conjugal rights. A satisfactory erotic life is essential for his well-being. If you do as I advise for the next 6 months, I am confident Jacob will regain his health completely.

    On the tram home, Jacob asked his wife What did the doctor say? His wife assumed a grave expression and replied He said you're going to die.
     
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  17. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

    I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

    Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
     
    Catriona likes this.
  18. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my releases to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
    I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod with headphones.... and how was your day???
     
    Catriona likes this.
  19. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    My favourite Freud joke:

    According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
















    Funf. :D
     
  20. Catriona

    Catriona Well-Known Member

    I'd forgotten that one!!
     

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