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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Wee boy goes to his dad and asks how he got his name, the dad reply's that it as an anagram of his mothers favourite thing.
    The wee boy says "Thank you dad" and his dad says " No worries Alun , glad to help"
     
  2. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I've been back to the doc again. I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
    He says I have Feefiphobia.
     
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  3. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    "Orion's Belt is a big waist of space."

    Terrible joke. Only three stars.
     
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  4. Craig20264

    Craig20264 Well-Known Member

    I take it you've already got your coat on............
     
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  5. spinno

    spinno Well-Known Member

    he'll probably wake up with a Horsehead nebula on his pillow....
     
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  6. Andrew Flannigan

    Andrew Flannigan Well-Known Member

    We don't need all this cometary on peoples' jokes.
     
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  7. spinno

    spinno Well-Known Member

    quite right... it eclipses the real meaning...
     
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  8. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    Solicitor phones one of his clients a multi millionaire art collector and says "I've got some bad news and some good news"

    The guy says "I'm having a really bad day so give me the good news first"

    "Your wife just paid £5000 for 2 pictures she thinks are worth between £15 and £20 and looking at them I think she's right"

    "That's my wife, she's an amazing businesswoman! That's really cheered me up! I can handle the bad news now so what is it?"

    "They're of you and your secretary"
     
    mediaman likes this.
  9. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

    While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

    The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

    As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

    The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

    Now completely nude, she purred at him,

    "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

    Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."
     
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  10. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Scene: costume party

    A: what are you dressed as?
    B: can't you tell, I'm a harp!
    A: your costume is too small to be a harp...
    B: calling me a lyre?!
     
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  11. beatnik69

    beatnik69 Well-Known Member

    Bloke goes to a costume party, stark naked, painted green with his girlfriend on his back. Someone asks 'what are you supposed to be?', he replies 'I'm a tortoise'. 'What about her?', he replies... 'that's Michelle' :D
     
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  12. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
    Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs
    and make love,’ and you answer,
    ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
    Your friends compliment you
    on your new alligator shoes
    and you’re barefoot.

    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
    Going braless
    pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
    You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
    of by the police

    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
    ‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the
    parking lot.

    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
    An ‘all-nighter’ means not getting up
    to use the bathroom.

    AND

    ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
    You are not sure these are jokes?
     
  13. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Mr. Jones had gangrene on his left leg and had to have it cut off so he went to the doctor to have the operation. During the operation the doctor cut off the good leg by mistake. So then the doctor had to cut off the leg that had gangrene. After Mr. Jones came out of the operation he noticed that both legs had been cut off. Mr. Jones called his lawyer and filed a lawsuit against the doctor. Well the doctor and his lawyer had a long talk and the lawyer told the doctor he was in big trouble. I’m not worried, said the doctor. Mr. Jones doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
     
  14. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I told my doctor that when I travel from country to country I have the urge to get drunk. She told me I'm a borderline alcoholic.
     
  15. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    A shepherd asked me to help him round up his 119 sheep. "No problem," I told him. "120."
     
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  16. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,
    looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 lb. Left testicle, 3 lb. Right testicle, Turner Brown.”

    The small guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him too, slapping his face and shaking him, “What’s wrong with you?”

    In a very weak voice, the little guy says, “Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you just say to me?”

    The big guy says, “I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 lb left testicle, 3lb right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.”

    The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around.”
     
  17. IvorCamera

    IvorCamera Well-Known Member

    You do silly things by mistake as you get older, I have been feeding the budgie grass seeds instead of bird seeds, now the Mrs is complaining she has to mow the budgie once a week!
     
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  18. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Cricket (as seen from across the pond)

    Two old men in white coats walk slowly on to a large field, each carrying three long sticks and two short ones.

    The old man each set their three sticks upright, 22 yards apart, and balance the two short sticks horizontally on the top of them.

    When they are satisfied with the alignment of these creations, they turn and look at twenty-two younger men who are milling about on the edge of the field.

    Then it rains.
     
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  19. Geren

    Geren Well-Known Member

    Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on their ships? So that when the ships return to port they can Scandinavian.
     
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  20. Andrew Flannigan

    Andrew Flannigan Well-Known Member

    I think that deserves the groan of the month award. :D
     

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