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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    And adaptable for any pair of politicians..on which subject....

    David Cameron is doing a photo-call at a school and he asks the children what is a tragedy?...one little girl puts her hand up and says "If my best friend was playing in the garden and a car ran up the pavement and she was killed would that be a tragedy?"

    "No" says Cameron, "That would be an accident"

    The kids think on and then one says "I've got it! If a bus with lots of people on it went over a cliff and they were all killed, would that be a tragedy?"

    Cameron says "It would be a great loss but it wouldn't be a tragedy"

    So the kids are sitting there and Cameron's starting to get a bit annoyed with them when a little boys jumps up and says "If you and Nick Clegg and all your cabinet were in a plane! And when the plane was really high in the sky it went bang and burst into flames and you were all killed! Would that be tragedy?"

    "Well done!" says Cameron "That would be a tragedy! Very clever! How did you work that out?"

    And the kid replies:......

    "'Cos my dad says if that happened it wouldn't be an accident and it wouldn't be a great loss"
     
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  2. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a
    cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they
    sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the
    manager, and the boy went to find him.

    Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out
    there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he
    turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And
    this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
    manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
    out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their
    feet.
    Where are you from, son?"

    "Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.

    "Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby
    players."

    "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."

    "You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
     
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  3. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
    A checkout chick walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
    Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
    When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
    He zipped up and finished his shopping.
    At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door."
    He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
    The girl thought for a moment and said:
    "No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags."..
     
  4. Harold_2

    Harold_2 Well-Known Member

    a little old lady wlks into her local store and asks for two tins of cat food, the shop assistent says have you got a cat? the litlle old lady says of cours i have the assistent says well can you prove it as i will not sell cat food to you as i think you may be buying it for yourself insted of real food, The little old lady goes out of the shop and returns 15 minutes later with a cat under her arm, the shop assistent sells her the two tins of cat food and the old lady goaes away
    the next day the same little old lady goes back into the shop and asks for two tins of dog food, she shop assistent askes her does she rally have a dog as some old ladies but dog food for themselves, the old lady leaves the shop and comes back in 15 minutes with a dog under her arm, the shop assistent sells her the dog food,
    the next day the latlle old lady wlks into the shop carrying a box with a hole cut into the front, she says to the assistent before you ask put your finger into the hole, the assistent puts her finger into the hole and quickly puls it out and says that feels like poo
    the little old lady says thats right can i have three roles of toilet paper please:p
     
  5. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
    The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
    While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
    The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
    This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
    The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
    "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
     
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  6. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Woman finds her hubby in bed with a female midget! furious, she screams 'You promised you wouldn't cheat again!' Husband says 'Can't you see I've cut down'
     
  7. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

    On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

    On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

    On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
     
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  8. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    Mr Smith gets a letter inviting him to come to the tax office and bring his accountant so he turns up with a guy saying “He’s my accountant
    So they all sit down and the tax guy says “Thing is Mr Smith according to our records you have a very extravagant lifestyle but no visible means of support so we want to know how you manage it”
    “Well I’m a great gambler let me show you I bet you £4k I can bite my eye”
    Tax guy thinks “No way” and says “Go on then”

    Mr Smith takes out his glass eye and bites then says “And I bet you £10k I can bite my other eye”

    Taxman says “You’re not blind are you?”

    “Nope”
    “Okay”
    Mr Smith takes his false teeth out and bites his eye with them “That’s £14k owe me. Told you I was good”

    Taxman is panicking how is he going to explain to his wife that he’s lost all this money?

    Mr Smith says “Son you’re out of your depth but I am a sporting sort so double or quits. The bin your side of the desk? Reckon I can stand here and piss into that without a single drop going on your desk”

    Taxman looks the bin is 4 feet behind his desk- no way can Mr Smith make it so he says “Okay double or quits is it?”

    “I’m a man of my word”

    “No tricks?”

    “None. I’ll get the old fella out aim for the bin and if I piss in it without a single drop ending up on your desk the you owe me £28k if not then you owe me nothing”

    “Okay”
    So Mr Smith stands up, unzips his flies, get his old fella out, takes aim and let’s go and …..

    The stream falls short and he soaks the desk….
    The taxman is so happy! He starts grinning.The accountant bursts into tears “He bet me £200k he could piss on your desk and you’d be smiling about it
     
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  9. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A young boy, about 12 opened the door.
    "Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked.
    "No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
    "Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?"
    "No, she ain't here either.She went to town with pa."
    "How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"
    "He went with ma and pa."
    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
    "Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to bore one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to your pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Jeannie, pregnant."
    The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "But if it helps you any, I know that pa charges £50 for the bull and £25for the boar hog but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe.
     
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  10. Alexjack

    Alexjack New Member

    There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island…….

    There were only three survivors:
    Two Guys and a girl………

    ...
    They lived there happily for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do………….

    After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing………..

    She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself……..

    It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while, nature once more took it’s inevitable course………..

    Well, a couple of more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing………

    So……….

    They buried her.
     
  11. beatnik69

    beatnik69 Well-Known Member

    Archaeologists digging a site in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts and wrapped in foil. They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.
     
  12. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:
    P...E...N...I....S
    His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
    **** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ****
     
  13. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Chelsea tractor Doing 75 mph with her Face up next to her Rear-view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

    I looked away for a couple seconds ... To continue shaving; and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

    As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt And I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand.

    In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Cell Phone Away from my ear Which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins. Ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

    Damn women drivers!
     
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  14. beatnik69

    beatnik69 Well-Known Member

    You might be joking Mike but yesterday I was behind a taxi driver which was veering all over the lane, almost hitting the side of a white van on the inside lane. I could see his face in his rear view mirror and his eyes were flicking down to check his phone whilst he composed or read a test message or something similar.
     
  15. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    He said .... she said
    He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said ... That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

    He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

    He said ... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said ... Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
     
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  16. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
     
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  17. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    How to modify furniture:

    Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.
     
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  18. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.
     
  19. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Pinched and used elsewhere..... :rolleyes:
     
  20. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange.

    So she decides to do a DNA test.

    She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

    Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

    Husband: What’s up?

    Wife: According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid.

    Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you??

    When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.

    You said: Please go change the baby; I’ll wait for you here.

    So I went inside, left the dirty one there and got a clean one.

    Moral:

    Never give a man a job that doesn’t belong to him!!
     
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