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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Bob0287

    Bob0287 Active Member

    Q. What cheese can't you share?
    A. Nacho cheese

    Q. What hotel do mice stay in?
    A. The Stilton

    Sorry my jokes are cheesy :)
     
  2. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
    "Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
    "I don't have to," the little boy replied.
    "Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
    "That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
     
  3. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A man asks his elderly father what his secret was for living such a long life. "I'll tell you son, "says the the old man,"every morning I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal". The man follows this advice and amazingly it works and when he eventually dies at the age of 100, he leaves 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a 15 foot diameter hole in the wall of his local crematorium.
     
  4. beatnik69

    beatnik69 Well-Known Member

    Our local butchers has started selling wookie meat. It tastes delicious but it's a bit chewy. ;)
     
  5. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    I think we should rename this thread "the Empty Cloakroom"
     
  6. beatnik69

    beatnik69 Well-Known Member

    or 'The Taxi Rank'
     
  7. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying:
    2+5, the son of a bitch is 7
    3+6, the son of a bitch is 9. . .
    ...His Mum: What are you doing?
    Boy: I'm doing maths homework
    Mum: this is how your teacher taught you?
    Boy: Yes
    Infuriated, Mum asked the teacher the next day
    'What are you teaching my son in maths?'
    Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.
    Mum: you teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bitch is 4?
    Teacher after laughing:
    What I taught them was, 2+2, The Sum of Which is 4
     
  8. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    Slightly rude so if you are easily offended don't read any further






    Ann married Ted and together they had 13 children before Ted died then she married Peter and they had 7 children before Peter died then she married George and they had 6 children before he died

    Then Ann died and at the funeral the vicar praised her for being such a loving woman and said "And now they are together at last"

    One of her friends whispered to another "But is she together with Ted or Peter or George?"

    And her friend replies: "I think he's referring to her legs"
     
  9. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Even slightly more rude than the previous posting !
    Please do not read if easily offended. !
    .
    .
    A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
     
  10. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    The worse joke ever- I didn't even take my coat off

    The year is 1850 and 3 Troop of the Ninth Cavalry are stationed at Fort Process near The Black Hills in Dakota.
    There are rumours circulating that the local Sio...ux are planning an uprising so Captain Flack sends out a patrol. 20 Troopers, Sergeant Mason and Corporal Jennings, under the command of Lieutenant Johnson, leaving the fort at first light.
    After six hours of searching, there is no sign of the Indians so Lt Johnson makes a command decision to stay out overnight.
    Having brought no shelter, he dispatches two troopers back to the fort to bring back a wagon load of tents.
    Unfortunately there were no tents available, but the Quartermaster directs them to two demountable shacks that a group of sailors had left behind.
    Now the shacks were sound, but the roofs tended to leak so they needed to be covered in pitch to ensure that they were water tight.
    Again, there was no pitch, but they did have kegs of liquid chocolate, which when spread on the roofs would harden and keep the rain out.
    The troopers loaded two wagons and headed back to the rest of the detachment.
    On arrival, they explained to Lt Johnson the situation and the patrol got to building the shacks & waterproofing the roofs.
    The night passed without event and at 06:00 the bugler blew Reveille.
    Unbeknown to the soldiers the hills were crawling with Sioux warriors.
    Chief Laughing Buffalo resplendent in his war bonnet looks down in the white men and surveys the scene. Pointing at the shacks he quizzically looks to his son Sleeps with Wolves who says "Huts, old navel huts. The cavalry take them and they cover them in chocolate
     
  11. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    This bloke goes to a dance and has the good fortune to get off with a young lady named Tina, he ends up escorting her to her home and is invited to stay the night, which they both enjoy.

    She gets up first and he's surprised to see her in uniform, she asks him if he'd like bacon and eggs for breakfast, to which he replies
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "Don't fry for me Sergeant Tina"

    (vote for this or the naval huts as groan of the month)
     
  12. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]Joe gets bad headaches.
    The doctor said,
    Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

    When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself...
    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
    He saw a men's clothing store and thought,
    'That's what I need... A new suit...'
    He entered the shop and told the salesman,
    'I'd like to try on a new suit please...'
    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
    'Let's see now... Size 44 long should do it'
    Joe laughed, 'Wow, that's right; how did you know?'
    'Oh, I've been in the business 40 years sir!' the tailor said.
    Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
    'How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?'
    Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure, why not.'
    The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said,
    'Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck.'
    Joe was surprised again,
    'You're absolutely right, how did you guess that?'
    'Been in the business 40 years sir.'
    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove!
    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
    'How about some new underwear?'
    Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure, I might as well.'
    The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'
    Joe laughed,
    'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
    The salesman shook his head,
    'No way! You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!!'[/FONT]
     
  13. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

    The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The kid says, "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

    The manager was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to the sales floor to check on how the kid did on his first day. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

    The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

    The manager replies, "Just one?!!? Our employees average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

    The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes. The manager felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

    The kid looks up at his manager and says "$101,237.65".

    The manager, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

    The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

    The manager said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

    The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
     
  14. Bawbee

    Bawbee Well-Known Member

    A Primary 1 teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the Primary 1. My sister is in P3 and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in P3 too!'

    Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the Headmaster’s office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the Headmaster what the situation was. The Headmaster told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Headmaster:
    'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry: '9.'

    Headmaster: 'What is 6 x 6?'

    Harry: '36.'

    And so it went with every question the Headmaster thought a P3 pupil should know.

    The Headmaster looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to P3'

    Ms. Brooks says to the Headmaster, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

    The Headmaster and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

    Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

    The Headmaster wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

    Harry: 'Pants.'

    The Headmaster sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

    The Headmaster's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

    Harry: 'Shake hands.'

    The Headmaster was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

    Harry: 'Firetruck.'

    The Headmaster breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in P5, I got the last seven questions wrong.'
     
  15. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    Four friends who hadn't seen each other in ages met on a golf course and while they were walking round one got a call on his mobile and waved the others to keep walking and he'd catch them up

    So the first guy says "Remember my son? He went to work on a construction site and he made foreman then started his own company and now he builds houses and makes a fortune. He's so rich he had a real nice house built just to give to a friend"

    The second guy says "And my son, he started out as a salesman in a car lot? Won the best sales guy award every year then started out on his own and now he owns a chain of fifteen car showrooms. He recently gave 2 luxury cars to a friend"

    The third guy says: "My son started out as a junior broker within 2 years he was made a senior partner then started his own brokerage firm and he handles millions of dollars. He's so rich he gave a friend a huge portfolio of shares recently"

    The fourth guy joins them, he looks a bit shocked.

    "Are you alright?" one of them asks

    He says "That was my son on the phone he's just told me he's gay"

    One asks "What does that mean?"

    He says "I'm not sure but he must be damn good at whatever it is, his last 3 boyfriends have given him a house, 2 cars and a portfolio of shares"
     
  16. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!
    Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
    Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!"
    He continued, "And I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
    Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
    And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree got its start...
     
  17. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    Dad is going past his little girls room and he hears her saying her prayers: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Granny and goodbye Grandad"

    He says" Why did you say goodbye to grandad?"

    She says "I don't know Daddy"

    The very next day her grandad dies suddenly.

    A few weeks later, he's walking past her room and he heats "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy and goodbye Granny"

    And the next day lo and behold! Her Granny dies suddenly so her dad starts thinking "She must have some sort of psychic gift"

    Then a month or so later he hears her praying "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy"

    Well of course he panics. He locks himself in his room the next day and refuses to come out. Finally it's midnight it's now the next day and he's still alive so with a sigh of relief he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife "You wouldn't believe what a bad day I've had"

    She replies: "You've had a bad day?! The postman dropped down dead on our porch"
     
  18. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'

    Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

    Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?

    Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

    The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'

    The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'

    The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

    'Had him circumcised...'
     
  19. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    Old Catholic priest is dying in a hospice, he's been a well respected and much loved member of his local community for many years and all the nurses love him and ask if there's any last wishes they could help him with. He tells them he's had a good life and he's not afraid to die but if he did have one last wish it would be that David Cameron and Nick Clegg would visit him on his deathbed. So the nurses write off to Parliament not expecting a reply.

    But Cameron and Clegg see the letter and think it would be a wonderful story for the press and show they do have a caring side so they go to the hospice and a nurse takes them into the Father's room.

    He smiles when he sees them and insists Cameron sits on the right hand side of his bed and Clegg on the left. Then he says "I'm delighted you came"

    So after a few minutes of silence: Clegg has to ask "We're glad we could be here but I have to ask why?"

    "Well, my son, I have always tried to live my life exactly as Lord Jesus did"

    Cameron and Clegg both say "Amen"

    And the Father continues: "And like him I am dying between two lying thieves"
     
  20. Sejanus.Aelianus

    Sejanus.Aelianus In the Stop Bath

    SUPERB! [​IMG]
     

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