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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"
    Assistant replies: "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."
    Pharmacist says: "He seems to be fine now."
    Assistant replies: "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!
     
  2. patrington1a

    patrington1a Well-Known Member

    Extractor fan......you must read this!

    My mate was obsessed about tractors, he had books,stamps, dvds, hundreds of em.his wife said enough is enough, its the tractors or me......so he went to the local pub about 9years ago and set fire to the lot behind the pub...he walked into the pub, breathed in then went to the door breathed out and all the smoke from the pub had gone.the landlord said he had seen nothing like it my mate said yes """"im an ex tractor fan""""
     
  3. patrington1a

    patrington1a Well-Known Member

    Dont trust ford

    Coco the clown bought a car from ford and had to take it back....The doors wouldnt fall off!!!!
     
  4. Bawbee

    Bawbee Well-Known Member

    Dear patrington1a,

    Are you really Gordon? Your 'jokes' are so very old ;)
     
  5. patrington1a

    patrington1a Well-Known Member

    The old jokes are the best.......I m so old I remember judith chalmers when she was white...
     
  6. AlanClifford

    AlanClifford Well-Known Member

    Did you hear the one about the blondes who dyed their roots a mousy brown colour to look more attractive.
     
  7. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

    Husband: Sukitaki.
    Wife replies: Kowanini!

    Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

    Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

    Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!

    I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese!

    Unbelievable!

    I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex. You need help!!



    (apologies to any Japanese speaking members, I don't know if the words are Japanese or not, it's just as I received it)
     
  8. Bawbee

    Bawbee Well-Known Member

    Over to you Zou ;)
     
  9. patrington1a

    patrington1a Well-Known Member

    Before I became a photographer I worked in the circus. They kept me on for ten years.I was the only one who could get the tent back in the bag.........


    I was also the human cannon ball....20 qiid a week and a bit of mileage......

    The contortionist died when I was there...at least died in her own arms......
     
  10. Roy5051

    Roy5051 Well-Known Member

    Re: Scousers join Ferrari

    There is?
     
  11. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
    After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
    The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.”
    The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties
     
  12. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    A 30 year old single man is having a quiet drink in the pub one evening and he spots an attractive, more 'mature' woman across the bar having a drink on her own. They start chatting while she allows him to buy her a couple of drinks.

    When it comes time to leave she asks him if he would like to come back to hers for a 'coffee'. During the short walk to her house she asks him if he would be interested in a 'Sportsman'. When the man asked her to explain she said it meant joining mother and daughter in bed together. Thinking the woman was maybe 50-55 her daughter would be perhaps a similar age to himself and he readily agreed.

    A few minutes later they arrive a the house and the woman produces a key and they stumble into the house and the woman turns a light on and shouts up the stairs:

    "Mother! Are you still awake?"
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2014
  13. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    It was all made up. As if you didn't know!

    Appropriately though, Japanese jokes also tend not to have punch lines. They are more situational or slapstick. Think double acts where the 'funny' one gets smacked around the head by the 'straight' guy. Repeatedly. And called an idiot.
     
  14. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
     
  15. patrington1a

    patrington1a Well-Known Member

    whos into Egyptology

    They have just found a mummy covered in chocolate...I think it Pharoe rocher.....
     
  16. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
    Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
    Brother 2: He's Dead
    Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
    Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
    Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mum doing?
    Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
     
  17. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    Pope dies and goes to Heaven on the same day as a Hell's Angel.

    St Peter shows the Pope to a modest little room and says "This is your home for eternity"

    So the Pope sits on the bed and thinks to himself "it's not much but it's my modest little room in Heaven"

    Then he looks out of the window...

    Dead opposite there is a huge opulent mansion and in front of it there's a dozen Harley Davidson's and an Olympic sized swimming pool. Lying next to the swimming pool is the Hell's Angel surrounded by beautiful women who are pouring him beers, peeling him grapes, giving him a massage

    The Pope runs to St Peter and says "I don't want to complain but I was Pope after all"

    St Peter replies "Popes we've got plenty but that's the first Hell's Angel we've ever had!"
     
  18. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
    Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
    Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?"
    Maria: "Your husband said so."
    Wife: "Oh."
    Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
    Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
    Maria: "Your husband did."
    Wife: "Oh."
    Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
    Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
    Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
    SHE GOT THE RAISE
     
  19. LesleySM

    LesleySM Well-Known Member

    Bob hears that his sickly father is leaving him his entire fortune. He decides he needs a woman to celebrate and goes to a bar.

    In walks the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. He sidles up to her and says: "I may not be much to look at but very soon I'm going to be millionaire"

    She goes home with him and three days later...

    She becomes his stepmother
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2014
  20. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
    "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
    "I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.
    While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your hairy walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
    As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
    Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
     

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