1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Craig20264

    Craig20264 Well-Known Member

    To The Guy Who Tried To Mug Me

    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night beforelast. Date: 05-27-09, at approximately 1:43 am EST.

    I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I handover, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening her lifeand mine.
    You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
    I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
    First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
    My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
    Obviously you would agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed atyour head.
    I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from barefooted since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
    After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
    I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
    I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
    Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
    Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what is going on with that?
    But before the line was shut down, I managed to get in two threatening phonecalls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning Presdent Obama asmy possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice longchat (I guess while he traced your number etc)
    In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

    Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

    Have a good day!

    Thoughtfully yours,
    Alex
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2013
  2. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    The Dalai Lama goes on holiday to Italy and decides to try pizza. So, he goes into a pizzeria and the pizza guy asks what kind of pizza he would like. "Make me one with everything" says the Dalai Lama.....
     
  3. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I used to love farm vehicles, but not any more - I'm an ex-tractor fan
     
  4. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    I was frantically pacing outside the maternity ward today.

    Just so everyone thinks I've actually had sex.
     
  5. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
    A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus..
    So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while,the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man's he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
    'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
    The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
    we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'..
     
  6. Bawbee

    Bawbee Well-Known Member

    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged
    from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge
    correction.
     
  7. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A man goes to a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman behind the counter replies that she is the pharmacist, that she and her sister own the drugstore, and that there are no males employed there. “But surely I can help you” she says.
    “This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent 9" erection that causes me discomfort and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
    “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”
    When she returns, she says, “The best we can offer is one-third-ownership in the store and five thousand a month in living expenses.”
     
  8. ianwaite

    ianwaite Well-Known Member

    The Bathtub Test

    The Bathtub Test




    During a visit to my doctor, I asked him about my Dad. I said "How do you
    determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?"



    "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."



    "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



    "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.”.
     
  9. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    This guy gets a text message from his neighbour it reads: "I'm going to come clean as I can't live with the guilt any more. For the last couple of the years I have been using your wife day and night, I can’t get it at home but that's no excuse. I hope you can forgive me and we can still be friends"

    Outraged and betrayed the man runs upstairs and shoots his wife.

    Then he gets a second text message from his neighbour "Damn autocorrect I mean "Wi-Fi" not "wife"
     
  10. Bawbee

    Bawbee Well-Known Member

    Was that a deliberate steal Kenny? ;)
    http://www.amateurphotographer.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?114085-My-coat-is-on
     
  11. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Scousers join Ferrari

    [FONT=&quot]"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT][FONT=&quot]The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.[/FONT]
     
  12. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    Re: Scousers join Ferrari

    A useful one, as it can be altered for various home areas.
     
  13. Learning

    Learning Ethelred the Ill-Named

    Re: Scousers join Ferrari

    And I got criticised as racist for using the term 'pikey'.
     
  14. willie45

    willie45 Well-Known Member

    Re: Scousers join Ferrari

    Are Scousers a race then ?
     
  15. Learning

    Learning Ethelred the Ill-Named

    Re: Scousers join Ferrari

    Well they don't necessarily marry each other but they do tend........... No I'm not going there. Liverpool ain't Norfolk, is it?
     
  16. Donkey

    Donkey Well-Known Member

    Re: Scousers join Ferrari

    Didn't take long before you had the opportunity to get that one in :cool:

    Wise man lol
     
  17. BarbaraL

    BarbaraL Well-Known Member

    Re: Scousers join Ferrari

    Something like "stones and glass houses come to mind," you could be talking about every large town in Britain even Dorset.. What a way to cause bad feeling on what I thought was a very friendly site..shame on you.. :-(
     
  18. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    Re: Scousers join Ferrari

    I know a few scousers, one an ex brother in law, and worked with plenty over the years. Each and everyone of them joined in and took the mick out of themselves. They tend to have a very good sense of humour.
    I was in a shop the other day (not in Liverpool) and I had parked my car outside. The woman working in there, who was about 60, commented herself that she was from Liverpool and commutes to my village for work, and that i'd have to keep an eye on my car, or she'd have the wheels.
     
  19. BarbaraL

    BarbaraL Well-Known Member

    Re: Scousers join Ferrari

    What if you had said to the woman in the shop "I better keep an eye on the wheels of my car just in case you get out there and steal them" bet she would have not been as pleased.. Yes we do have a good sense of humour and we can laugh at ourselves a lot but the scouse jokes are wearing a thin now days ..
     
  20. beatnik69

    beatnik69 Well-Known Member

    Re: Scousers join Ferrari

    Really? Two words: Stan Boardman. :p
     

Share This Page