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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A taxi was driving down the high street when the passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
    The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, narrowly missing pedestrians and stopped just short of a shop window.
    Everything went quiet in the cab then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
    The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much.
    The driver replied: "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
    Today is my first day as a cab driver ..... ......

    I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."
     
    Catriona likes this.
  2. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A young Scotsman leaves home and moves to New York. After six months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. “Horrible,” he says. “They’re always yelling and screaming. I hate how they constantly pound on the walls and stomp the floors.”

    “How do you get by?” she asks.

    “I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes,” says the Scot.
     
    Zou likes this.
  3. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    I have just found an origami porn channel, but it is paper view only.
     
  4. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    It folded due to a lack of buyers.
     
  5. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    You guys crease me up.
     
  6. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A blond is walking down the street with one boob hanging out. A cop stops her and says, “Look darling, as pretty a picture as it makes, you’re going to have to put that away. I could cite you for indecent exposure.”

    “Why?” says the blond.

    “Your boob is hanging out!” replies the cop, astounded.

    The blond looks down and says “Oh, sh*t! I left the baby on the bus again!”
     
  7. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
    Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
     
    mediaman, Zou, peterba and 1 other person like this.
  8. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Woman at the railway station waiting for her train spots an 'I speak you weight' machine. She just has to have a go...Standing on the scale she inserts a 50p piece...the machine makes a whirring sound then a voice eminates from within the scale and says "You are 13 stone three pounds, go to the end of the platform and break wind"! Puzzled, walks to the end of the platform and carries out the machines instruction. She returns to her original spot on the platform and wonders what that was all about. Fumbling though her purse she produces another fifty pence and again inserts the coin in the scale. The machine whirrs again and says, "You are 11 stones exactly, go to the end of....". Before the machine utters another word, she's off to the end of the platform and breaks wind...runs back to the machine and shoves her last fifty pence in the machine...again the whirring sounds starts and she eagerly awaits the voice..."Oh dear" says the machine, "you are now nine stone six but with all this farting about....you've missed your train"!
     
    mediaman likes this.
  9. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Hope you don't mind David, Pinching this to put on facebook
     
  10. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
    The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."
     
  11. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
    Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
     

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