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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM, after enjoying a day of golf.
    His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open-mouthed, listening to the tirade.
    "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f###### mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f##### pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f### did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid a$$hole?"
    The husband replied: "Because he's thinking of getting married."
     
    mediaman likes this.
  2. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

    First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
    and start bragging about it.

    Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

    Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

    Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

    Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

    Sixth ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

    Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

    Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

    Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

    Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with
    sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

    And, finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.
     
  3. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the Greatest political country/cowboy sages the U.S. has ever known. Some of his sayings:

    1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
    2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
    3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
    4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
    5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
    6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
    7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
    8. There are three kinds of men:

    The ones that learn by reading.
    The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

    9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
    10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
    11. Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
    12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
    He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
    The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
     
    David Loxley and Zou like this.
  4. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

    The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

    Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

    She replies, "Soup and ice cream."
     
  5. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant.

    I was a bit confused.

    I’d never met herbivore.
     
    mediaman, Geren and Zou like this.
  6. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    'HOW TO REPLACE MOUSE BALLS'...

    I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face!

    This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness.

    It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem.

    The author of this memo was quite genuine.

    The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

    Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls

    If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

    Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

    Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

    Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

    Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

    Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

    Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

    Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method..

    Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

    However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

    Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

    It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

    Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

    Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
     
  7. David Loxley

    David Loxley Well-Known Member

    A friend sent this to me this morning:-

    Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

    They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven
    The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.
    The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said:

    "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.
    The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
    The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
    The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.
    Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down.

    She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?


    "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
     
    mediaman likes this.
  8. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged?

    I hear they met on the web.
     
    mediaman and Zou like this.
  9. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Insect puns really bug me!
     
  10. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I thought they mite.
     
  11. David Loxley

    David Loxley Well-Known Member

    you can always give them an earwigging
     
  12. Andrew Flannigan

    Andrew Flannigan Well-Known Member

    Do buzz off...
     
  13. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Don't bee like that!
     
  14. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    He rather drones on, doesn't he.
     
  15. Andrew Flannigan

    Andrew Flannigan Well-Known Member

    Ooh that stung.
     
  16. SXH

    SXH Well-Known Member

    Hi've 'ad enough of this!
     
  17. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Aw honey
     
  18. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Will all those believing in telekinesis please raise my hand?
     
    mediaman and Zou like this.
  19. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A husband said to his wife, “Why do you watch cooking shows if you can’t cook”?

    She replied, “And why do you bother watching porn?”


    A child’s prayer:

    Lord, please bring some clothes for all of those poor women on Dad’s computer.
     
  20. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John’s Nfld. and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment Office.

    When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, “Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and Thongs.”

    The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer ... And finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

    Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, “Diesel fitter.”

    Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

    When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

    The clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor.”

    “What skill?” yelled Paddy. “I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: “Yep, diesel fitter!”
     
    mediaman and steveandthedogs like this.

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