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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
    The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel..
    The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
    "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
     
  2. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    I opened my bedroom curtains very early this morning and to my astonishment saw a fox having a fight with a hedgehog.

    The hedgehog won on points.
     
  3. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    Just bought the wife a new sheepdog fur bra..."Aww" she said, "will it keep my tits warm?"
    I said "No, but it'll round 'em up and point 'em in the right direction!"
     
  4. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    A farmer is getting dressed in the morning when his wife asks him why his Wellington boots have L and R marked on them
    "That's so I know which boot to put on which foot, I put the R one on the right foot and the L one on the left foot" the farmer told his wife, to which she replied,
    "Ah, so that's why my knickers have C&A on them"
     
  5. spinno

    spinno Well-Known Member

    is it true that Horslips are doing the music for the new Tesco beefburger ads?
     
  6. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Two Women were chatting in office..
    Woman 1:”I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??
    Woman 2:”It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??
    Woman 1:”Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a… fairy tale!
    At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..
    Husband 1:”How was your evening.. ??
    Husband 2:”Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ??
    Husband 1:”It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn’t had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!
     
  7. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    I stayed up late last night and ate seven yogurts, one after the other.

    I felt absolutely Mullered!
     
  8. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
    One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
    “Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
    “Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying barsteward ! You’ve been playing golf!”
     
  9. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.


    The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

    'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

    After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

    'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

    'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch
     
  10. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A guy was packing for a business trip and his five year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed helping her Daddy pack for his big trip.

    At one point she giggled and said, “Daddy, Daddy…Look at this,” and stuck out two of her little fingers.
    Trying to keep her entertained and enjoying her playful mood, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers, nom nom nom” pretending to eat them and then went back to packing for his trip.
    He couldn’t help but notice how quiet she had become and looked up to see his is daughter standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated and bewildered look on her face.
    He looked at her and said, “What’s wrong, honey? Daddy was just playing. I would never really eat your fingers!” and let out a little giggle.
    She replied, “I know you were just playing Daddy but what happened to my boogie?
     
  11. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and
    packing his suitcase.

    "What happened, George?"

    "What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my
    wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and
    guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Marie, with a naked guy in our
    marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

    "Calm down!" says mother-in-law. There is something odd about this
    story. Marie would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check
    what happened."

    Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I
    said there must be a simple explanation..." "Marie didn't receive your email!!!"
     
  12. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    A family from one of the poorest parts of town are packing for a holiday in Spain. They have the predicament of what to do with their three pets, a snake, a rabbit and a skunk, while away in the sun for two weeks:
    Father: "I know, we'll take em with us. Wayne you can wear the snake around your waist, everyone will think it's a belt, I'll wear the rabbit on my head so it'll look like a hat and you mother, you can put the skunk in your knickers"
    Mother: "But what about the smell?".
    Father: "Well if it dies it dies...."
     
  13. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

    The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

    "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
     
  14. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    A family of moles are readying themselves for their annual expedtion out of the forest where they live to look for sugar. Because their eyesight is poor they travel with their nose very close to the tail of the mole in front of them. They are ranged with grandpa mole at the front, followed by grandma mole, daddy mole, mummy mole all the way back to baby mole, on his very first family outing.
    The long line of moles set off at dawn travelling nose to tail with grandpa mole at the front and little baby mole bringing up the rear. They had only travelled for an hour or so when baby mole cried out "Stop! I can smell sugar!", All of the moles stopped, sniffed around for a few moments and smelling nothing, shrugged and carried on their journey.
    Having resumed their trek nose to tail out of the forest only another half an hour passed and baby mole screamed yet again "Stop, stop! I'm sure I can smell sugar!". Again all the mole family sniffed but nobody could smell sugar or anything like it. Baby mole was not too popular with the rest of his family, his brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles. The moles carried on, nose to tail across fields, through hedges and onwards until baby mole unable to contain himself any longer shouted "Stop!!! I'm sure......" he didn't finish as daddy mole had walked from the front of the line and put a friendly hand on baby moles shoulder, "Son, that ain't sugar you can smell that's mole-asses".
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2013
  15. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

    Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

    "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

    A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

    "OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,

    "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
     
  16. thornrider

    thornrider In the Stop Bath

    One afternoon a group of women shopping in the high street came upon an old man who looked to be about 90 years old who was collapsed against a shop doorway crying his eyes out. They carefully approached and since he looked like a reasonable kind of person they decided it would be safe to talk to him.

    "Why are crying so hard ?" said one of the women.

    Between sobs the 90 year old man said " I've just married a 19 year old girl who loved me like no-one has ever loved me. She always wears stockings and suspenders because she knows what I like, she makes love to me three times a day, cooks me wonderful meals, and in between love making bouts she cleans the house"

    With that he resumed his awful sobbing - his whole body shaking and his face soaked with tears.

    "Have you just found out she is being unfaithful?" one of the women asked.

    "No - she won't even look at another man" he replied. "She is waiting at home now in a black negligee to make love to me right now"

    "Then why are crying like this?" she asked.

    He looked up at her kind face and blurted out between sobs "Because I can't remember where I live"
     
  17. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday. "Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill replied, pleased. So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro. " My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied. At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom. Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. Bill just sat there... naked.
     
  18. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    I read recently that following her forthcoming marriage to actor William Shatner, singer Stevie Nicks wishes to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2013
  19. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

    After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

    He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.

    So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."

    But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,


    "How about going down the pub with me ?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

    The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede ' s box and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me? .....

    This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I 'm just putting me flippin' shoes on!"
     
  20. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    At this time of year I always think back to when I was very young. Not long after I started school I was given a hamster as a pet. I called him 'Danny' or 'Dan' as he became known.
    He was a wonderful pet for me, very affectionate and I loved seeing Dan as soon as I came home from school. One day I came home and Dan was very poorly. He carried on for a while but at five years old or more he was an old hamster. He passed away and I was very upset and my father buried him in the garden. As Dan died in the autumn my father suggested he plant some tulip bulbs above the little grave. A lovely idea.
    And so it was that every spring we would admire the tulip bulbs growing in the garden and we would all gather round and sing: "Tulips from hamster Dan".
     

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