1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I am considering a new career in mirror cleaning. It is something I can see myself doing,
    -----------------------------------------------
    A weasel walks into a bar.

    The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

    “Pop,” goes the weasel.
     
    dream_police and Zou like this.
  2. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    There's a new board game out this Christmas called Bonopoly. It's just like Monopoly but the streets have no name.
     
    dream_police likes this.
  3. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Another day in paradise...

    a few days after the creation god strolled leisurely through the garden Eden pleased with what he saw.

    under one of the trees was Adam lazing in the sun chewing on a stem of sweet grass.

    howzit going buddy? god said.

    well, said Adam good so far - but I am bored out of my mind!- nothing to do!

    we can*t have that says god- gimme a few days and i will come up with something!

    next time they meet god says: boy have I got the thing for you! Funny, entertaining and cuddly- but it will cost you a little!

    how much? says Adam.

    well, god replies, not much-just an arm and a leg!

    Adam starts wailing and pulling his hair (remember god created him from Jewish clay!)

    so god (not used to these tantrums yet) says:

    well I see, how much are you willing to give?

    feeling the upper hand Adam says:

    What do I get for a rib?
     
  4. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I'm buying my wife a prosthetic for Christmas. It's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.
     
    Geren and Zou like this.
  5. Andrew Flannigan

    Andrew Flannigan Well-Known Member

    A bloke is sitting in a pub quietly minding his own business when a man of apparently Chinese origin walks in. The newcomer settles down next to the first bloke.

    The first bloke asks the Chinese looking man: "Do you know Kung Fu or Karate or any of that stuff?"

    The Chinese looking man stares at the first bloke and hotly replies "Why would you ask me that? Isn't that a racist insult?"

    "Not at all" replies the first bloke. "I only want to know because that's my pint you're drinking." :confused:
     
  6. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

    The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
    'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
    The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
    ' Same for me,' says the emu.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

    'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

    'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
    Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

    -----------------------
     
    Roger Hicks and peterba like this.
  7. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Thinking about starting up a dating agency for chickens...... I'm finding it hard to make hens meet
     
  8. David Loxley

    David Loxley Well-Known Member

    Don't know if this is 'old hat'.

    Written across the wall of the cave was a line of symbols:

    It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old!

    The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

    They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

    The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

    "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.

    You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smartenough to have animals help them till the soil.

    The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.

    Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that during a famine, they seek food from the sea.

    The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

    The audience applauded enthusiastically.

    Then an old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

    "Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left...

    It says: 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that chick".

    Happy New Year, everyone.
     
    Roger Hicks likes this.
  9. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Yep, I know I'm talking to myself, but please do not interrupt; I'm self employed and holding a company meeting
     
    mediaman likes this.
  10. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Just when you think you knew all the text abbreviation possible, then there's these:
    (_!_) regular arse
    (__!__) fat arse
    (!) tight arse
    (_*_) sore arse
    (_o_) well used arse
    (_e=mc2_) smart arse
    And my favourite for those you want to really tell it to ...
    (_x_) kiss my arse !
     
    mediaman and Petrochemist like this.
  11. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Jesus was going to be christened Brian until Mary stubbed her toe on the font
     
  12. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    tombstone.jpg
     
    mediaman likes this.
  13. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

    1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

    2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

    3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

    4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

    5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

    6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

    7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

    8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him , can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

    9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney ; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

    10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilized.

    11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
     
    Andrew Flannigan likes this.
  14. David Loxley

    David Loxley Well-Known Member

    "The tears of laughter were running down my legs"
    That is a new slant on an old problem,
     

Share This Page