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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    An elderly snake went to the doctor and told him: “Doc, my eyesight is so bad, I can’t see to hunt any more. I think I need a pair of glasses.”

    So the doctor fixed the snake up with a pair of glasses and told him to come back if he still couldn’t manage.

    Two weeks later, the snake was back in the doctor’s office. “I’m depressed,” he complained.

    “Why, what’s the problem?” asked the doctor. “Haven’t the glasses helped?”

    “The glasses are fine,” sighed the snake. “But I’ve discovered that I’ve been living with a garden hose for the past three years.”
     
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  2. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I discreetly resigned from my set-making job; I didn't want to make a scene...
     
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  3. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
     
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  4. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    My wife has been to IKEA six times this week. I suspect stock home syndrome.
     
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  5. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    People who cannot distinguish the difference between entomology and etymology bug me in ways I can't put into words.
    :D
     
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  6. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I'm in a bit of a bind... Need a good GDPR adviser urgently. Mate said he knew one but couldn't give me their email address. :eek:
     
  7. dream_police

    dream_police Well-Known Member

    As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

    We couldn't afford a dog.
     
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  8. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Its bark worse than its bite?
     
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  9. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    My boss has announced he'll sack the employee with worst posture. I've a hunch it'll be me.
     
  10. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce?

    Chicken sees a salad.


    I know it's old, and awful, but aren't we all? :oops:
     
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  11. MJB

    MJB Well-Known Member

    Do you know a good GDPR consultant?

    Yes.

    Great! Could you give me his email address?

    No.
     
  12. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    I bought a 12yr old scotch. His parents weren't pleased about that.
     
  13. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

    Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

    You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

    I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

    I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

    The biggest lie I tell myself is...”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

    If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

    Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet...

    Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

    Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

    At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

    Actually I’m not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne...
     
  14. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    It seems that there was a Rabbi who was an extremely good preacher and his people loved to hear him preach on Friday evenings. They wanted him to also preach on Saturday morning. But he wanted to spend Saturday morning at home, in his jammies, with his family. So he got an idea. He would pre-record the sermon, and, since it is not permitted for Jews to turn switches on the sabbath, he would hire a Gentile to push the “on” button at the time of the sermon.

    So he did that for several weeks. And that got the folks of his congregation to start thinking that they, too, would prefer to spend Saturday at home in their jammies with their families. And that if they sent tape recorders to the synagogue, they could listen to the rabbi’s sermon at their leisure.

    And so the inevitable happened: the day came when the only people in the synagogue were Gentiles with tape recorders.

    And that is the first known instance of artificial in-sermonation
     
  15. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Sure everyone cares about straws killing dolphins now, but they've been breaking camels' backs for years. (c/o Gary Delaney)
     
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  16. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Best divorce letter ever

    My Dear husband:

    I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you.

    I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

    Last week, you came home & you didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.

    Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

    Your EX-Wife.

    Don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!

    REPLY:

    Dear Ex-wife,

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

    It’s true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn’t work anymore.

    I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a boy!’ Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment ... and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven’t eaten prawns for 7 years.

    About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

    After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris ... But when I got home you were gone.

    Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dollar from me. So take care.

    Signed,

    You’re Rich As Hell & Free Ex-Husband!

    P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

    I hope that’s not a problem.
     
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  17. Zou

    Zou Well-Known Member

    Apparently David Davies tabled his resignation earlier today, but withdrew it in favour of an exclusive favourable deal that may not be available.
     
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  18. Derek W

    Derek W Well-Known Member

    oooh...... very good :D
     
  19. Dorset_Mike

    Dorset_Mike Grumpy Old Fart

    Johnny’s teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

    Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg “E-G-G” “Very good” says the teacher.

    Peter says he had toast “T-O-A-S-T?” “Excellent”.

    Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. “I had bugger all” he says “ B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L”. The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

    Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

    Susan correctly identifies the capital of Australia. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Australia’s west coast.

    When it’s Johnny’s turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson and decides to give him a very difficult question.

    Johnny, she asks “Where is the Pakistani Border?” Johnny ponders the question and finally says “The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That’s why I got bugger all for breakfast”.
     
  20. Roger Hicks

    Roger Hicks Well-Known Member

    Maybe 30 years ago, I bought a birthday card with a much ruder version of that (for a friend I've known since we were maybe 16 and 17).

    On the front: "I thought you might like a little 12-year-old Scotch for your birthday."

    Inside: bashful looking girl in short tartan skirt, captioned "You dirty bugger."

    Cheers,

    R.
     

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