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Jokes

Discussion in 'The Games Room' started by mediaman, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    Rules are simple,.....post a joke on here, keep it clean......ish.
    You cannot post twice consecutively, You can give star ratings but no comments please !
    Grin / groan and bare it.


    One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
    "You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
    "Can I see one?"
    "Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
    "What? What does it say?"
    "Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
     
  2. thornrider

    thornrider In the Stop Bath

    Nelson Mandela heard a knock at the door. A man with a clip board and a big lorry said "I've got 1000 car batteries for you" Better put them in the back garden" said Mr Mandela.

    The next day the same man came in the same lorry and said "I've got 600 car tyres for you" "Better put them in with the batteries then" said Mr Mandela.

    The next day the same man arrived with the same lorry and said "I've got 12 new cars for you" "Are you sure they are for me" said Mr Mandela. The lorry driver consulted his clipboard and said "Yep - says Nelson Mandela right here"

    "Here show me" said Mandela. He looked at the clipboard and a big smile came over his face "You've come to the wrong place - that says Nissan Maindealer"
     
  3. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
    His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
     
    photomaniac likes this.
  4. beatnik69

    beatnik69 Well-Known Member

    A young man is 'entertaining' an older lady. She says "Your organ isn't very big". he replies "Well I didn't expect to be playing in a concert hall!"
     
  5. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A fairy godmother decides to grant three wishes to a little old lady.

    "What would you like for your first wish?" the fairy godmother asks.

    The little old lady says, "I would like to be rich."

    POOF! Her rocking chair turns into solid gold.

    "And for your second wish?" asks her fairy godmother.

    The little old lady says, "I would like to be young again."

    POOF! The little old lady is now a beautiful young woman.

    "And for your third and final wish?" asks her fairy godmother.

    The young woman's cat, Burt, jumps into her lap.

    She asks the fairy godmother, "Can you turn Burt into a handsome young prince?"

    POOF! Suddenly, Burt is a handsome young prince.

    The handsome young prince leans down to the young woman and whispers softly in her ear, "Don't you wish you hadn't had me neutered?"
     
  6. Bawbee

    Bawbee Well-Known Member

    That one is older than you Kenny :(

    Are we still allowed to use this term?
     
  7. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

    "How about $50?"

    The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" he asked.

    "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

    "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
    .
    [Ok, another "oldie", but slightly different ending. :) ]
     
  8. Bawbee

    Bawbee Well-Known Member

    Here's a Weegie 'true' story (English translation below):

    A man buys a budgie. It keeps repeating "Am a Glesga budgie an am as hard as nails"

    After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a kestrel .
    He put's it in the cage beside the budgie and says
    "Let's see how hard you are now"

    Next morning the kestrel is dead, budgie says
    "Am a Glesga budgie an am as hard as nails"

    So the man buys a buzzard and puts it in the cage.
    Next morning the buzzard is dead and the budgie says
    "Am a Glesga budgie an am as hard as nails"

    "Right,then" says the man, goes and buys a golden eagle and puts it in the cage.

    Next morning the the eagle's dead and the budgie has no feathers left....

    Budgie says " hud tae tak ma jalkit aff fur that yin!"


    English Translation (if required):

    A man buys a budgie. It keeps repeating "I'm a Glasgow Budgie and I'm as hard as nails"

    After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a kestrel .
    He put's it in the cage beside the budgie and says
    "Let's see how hard you are now"

    Next morning the kestrel is dead, budgie says
    I'm a Glasgow Budgie and I'm as hard as nails

    So the man buys a buzzard and puts it in the cage.
    Next morning the buzzard is dead and the budgie says
    I'm a Glasgow Budgie and I'm as hard as nails

    "Right,then" says the man, goes and buys a golden eagle and puts it in the cage.

    Next morning the the eagle's dead and the budgie has no feathers left....

    Budgie says "I had to remove my jackat for that one but, I'm a Glasgow Budgie and I'm as hard as nails!"
     
  9. Geren

    Geren Well-Known Member

    Apologies to non-Scots or mebbe even just non-Weegies, but given that the Monte Carlo 2013 Classic Rallye left Glasgow this weekend, I was reminded of this one...

    A Glasgow man, steaming and skint is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "Whit's up Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye. Same as masel!"
     
  10. ianwaite

    ianwaite Well-Known Member

    An atheist was walking through the woods.

    He marvelled at the majestic trees, powerful rivers and beautiful animals.

    Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

    He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

    He ran as fast as he could up the path and looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing on him.

    Then he tripped and fell on the ground.

    He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, raising his right paw ready to strike...

    At that instant the Atheist cried out,
    'Oh my God!'

    Time stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
    'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. If you expect me to help you out of this predicament am I to count you as a Christian believer?'

    The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian believer?'

    'Very well', said the voice.

    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

    'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'






     
  11. thornrider

    thornrider In the Stop Bath

    A man walked into a pub with a full grown alligator. Everyone stared.

    The man said when he had everyones attention - "I will put my organ into the alligators jaws if someone will buy me a drink.

    Very quickly a free bottle of drink with the top off was thrust into his hand and his bluff was called.

    Calmly the man unzipped and did as he promised - the alligator snapped its jaws shut with an earth shattering slam.

    When he had finished his drink the man looked around the room and rapped the alligator smartly over the head with the empty bottle whereby the alligator promptly opened it's jaws leaving the man intact.

    "If anyone else will try that I will pay them £1000 cash the man said"

    No-one moved and there were mutters all round the room.

    Suddenly a blonde came forward shaking her long hair "I'll try do it she said ----------- but there's one condition ------------ you have to promise not to hit me over the head with the bottle."
     
  12. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A man standing at a urinal notices that he's being watched by a midget.

    "Wow," comments the midget. "Those are the nicest gonads I have ever seen!"

    Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.

    Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they're so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look."

    Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it. Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's gonads and says, "OK, hand me your wallet, or I'll jump off the ladder!"
     
  13. ianwaite

    ianwaite Well-Known Member

    Horse meat jokes

    [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
    A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
    *****************
    So they have found a Horse burger in Tesco.
    What's next, My Lidl pony?
    *****************
    Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
    *****************
    Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
    So I had £5 each way !
    *****************
    Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the
    pony that she's always wanted!
    *****************
    Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night....
    I still have a bit between my teeth.
    *****************
    Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco.
    Just tell them HMV means 'Horse Meat Voucher'.
    *****************
    Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of uniquorn.
    *****************
    Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
    *****************
    I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF.
    *****************
    "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."
    I guess Tesco just listened.
    *****************
    Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers as shoppers
    confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
    *****************
    A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
    Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
    *****************
    I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
    *****************
    These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a
    dead.. NO! NO NO NO!
    *****************
    Said to the Mrs, "these Tesco burgers have given me terrible trots".
    *****************
    To beef or not to beef
    , That is equestrian.
    *****************
    Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of SHERGARS BUM.
    *****************
    Tesco's have released a new liquor to compliment their range of burgers,
    They're calling it 'Red Rum'.










    [/FONT]​
     
  14. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty pounds to buy meat.
    "Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty pound note is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?" The wife nods. The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it. She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt.
    "See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."
     
  15. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    The lord of the manor was having terrible problems with a mole digging his lawns up so he called in the local mole catcher.
    "When you catch the mole", he told the mole catcher, "I want you to inflict upon it the worst death imaginable".
    The mole catcher agreed and went about his business.
    The following morning the lord saw the mole catcher.
    "Did you catch the mole?" he asked.
    "I did sir" replied the mole catcher.
    "And did you inflict upon it the worst death imaginable?"
    "I did sir. I buried him alive"
     
  16. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    Little girl is crying at the back of the classroom.
    "Susan, whatever is the matter?" asked the teacher.
    "Please Miss, I've wet myself" sobbed Susan.
    "You silly girl, why didn't you put your hand up?" asked teacher.
    "I did Miss but it ran through".
     
  17. ianwaite

    ianwaite Well-Known Member


    Sorry Tim your first joke was good, but this to me is unacceptable and inappropriate. I would ask the Mods to to delete and you to rethink what you post.

    Ian
     
  18. TimHeath

    TimHeath Well-Known Member

    An old lady decides to take her two beloved pet monkeys to the taxidermists when they sadly pass away. When the taxidermist asks if she would like them mounted she replies "No just holding hands will be fine".
     
  19. Bawbee

    Bawbee Well-Known Member

    Ian,

    And then you repeated it in your quote of the original :rolleyes:

    Personally, I don't see anything wrong or inappropriate, my gripe would be that it is so very old.
     
  20. mediaman

    mediaman Well-Known Member

    A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey…
    “Hey! what are you doing?”
    The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
    So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”
    The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
    The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing another joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
    The Monkey looks down and says “CRAP, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
     

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