i think the biggest problem was just that i had no idea whether it was normal and i was just digging too deep.
but anyway i slightly improved it by cropping a bit tighter and also putting a bit of diffuse material under the condensor, which i know makes it a kind of DIY diffuse enlarger but having seen the results i prefer the softer contrast with the material in, so i will find s'thing suitable to use permanently.
i've never been keen on high contrast anyway and wish i had bought a diffuse enlarger but thats life and my own fault.